Descend into my world...

2007-11-06T06:11:00.000-08:00

Wat shld i update leh....

Hmmm... recently just past my birthday and next will be Ahbing le wor... haha...

On 31th oct, family celebrate my birthday for me lor... at east coast there eat dinner... dunno wat japanese restaurant la... lolz... A birthday cake was presented !! Thanks for the treat by Da jie and Er jie !! [Was quite some times since i last saw da jie... dunno why leh... i do miss her... and as usual... she's still busy with her work and do often go oversea... haha... she wun forget to bring us something, everytime she went for business trip... anyway, she suggest to go for holiday during the coming chinese new year coz, its a long weekend tat starts from thursday friday and then continue on with sat and sun... so, a great chance for them to go holiday... and most likely, i'm wun be joining them coz of army de thing... still can't comfirm la... but good la... if nv go then can ask brothers and frens come my hse to lose money for me =x !! hehe... i'm looking forward on chinese new year !!]

On 1st Nov... treat my Brothers and some frens eat lor... just nearby my area lor... then after tat they apply some cakes and creams on my face la... lolz, let them play coz i know can't run de la... haha... after tat, go up carpark and play flour, eggs, ice-creams and water lor... i should say, everyone was involve and gets dirty la... i'm the most dirtiest de la... lolz... all smash on me... hahaha... but i not bad la hor... will counter ok... heEx... was a fun night... finish off everything when all went to my hse... and some get wash up before going off... lolz...

On 2nd Nov... My ex-colleague organise and plan out a dinner at city-links de asian chinese restaurant to help me celebrate birthday bah... got "Pearlyn, Jolene, Ck, Sheng and me" lor... just a normal dinner and after that walk around raffles city mall before going off lor... ck and lucas gift is "calvin klein" underwear wor... and for the two girls... is a necklace... very cool wor... haha... thanks guys... heEx...
lolz... this birthday celebration was definitely a great one from my family, frens and brothers... I really appreciate it alot alot... they're just a prefect gift for me before going army le... really... thanks arh... !!

Was surprise tat day when dad realise, it was my birthday... though he didn't brought anything for me... but he just took out his wallet and pull a $50 note then place it on my computer table... i know he still cares la... mmmmm... =)

Another special gift i recieved, was from SQ... haha... thanks wor... its really so touching when i first saw that... hahaha... really very nice... and the special names u gaven for them... i'll rmb de... I really love it... no doubts for tat... and came to release... did any girls i like, give me things before ?? or any of my ex did ?? i only rmb oreo de present tat year... the cup she gave to me as a present... i really appreciate it so much... tat up till now, i'm still have it... i'm still using it... i'll still use it from time to time... hmmm... 2 years le bah... lolz... so... i would say... SQ, thanks so much... don't worry tat i will forget it after years or something... coz i dunno how to =x... heEx...

This family is slipping... is falling and i know... i'm standing beside my mum and move on with her and Da jie, Er jie... i dunno how should i stop all this from happening in the first place... i dunno how... all i know is, tears... a fucking idiot jeff tat only knows how to cry... but soon... now... i realise everything... begin to accept the fact and i'm doing it as time passes... will still complain and grumble about it from time to time... but no choice de la... when everything is done... when this house is sold, i only hope tat dad can be able to take good care for himself coz i know... he'll be living outside... dunno alone ? or with other ppl ? just do take care... and in the future... i got to be successful and i know... i will find you... i will still provide the needs for you... coz... no matter how wrong u did... how bad u had affected the whole family... had affected me... you're still my dad... i still got more to work for... to work hard... still years for me to earn enough income to support family... but i'm just moving on... its ok...

The Eyes in me, saw my mum and dad... they are just growing old... and in the future... they ain't going to support each other till they grow very old anymore... i got to take charge and be accompany with mum always with my spare time... i'm so afraid she'll be bored and without the company... without her partner... my dad... i know she love this family alot... she love dad and this house alot... and her feelings and pressure is millon times more than how bad i'm feeling... so, i know... i got to be just a good son... to take care of her and at the same time... to keep her accompany without dad... i try what i can do, mum... be strong... =) daddy... in the future... i dunno how i could spare out my time... and how could i meet you the next time and you can see how successful your son had did... i pray tat everything will be fine for you and i work hard and hopefully one day... i could show you... i'm success... i did something to let you be proud of... =)

So many things we hope not to happen... not to be happening on us... but sometime... its within our control and we could only accept them than staying there... crying... complaining abt it... maybe in the begining... tat behavior could be accepted... but if so much time and time is given for you... the problem is just laying on yourself, not to wake up and move strong... but time just heals everything... different ppl in different problems takes different time to heal... but always got to keep in mind tat life need to move on coz... You just live 1 time...

No restart,
No moving backwards,
No turing back the clock...

Thats why ppl say... live like everyday is a gift and live to the fullness... live like everyday is the last day... at least wun regret so much if something just happen to you... than staying at there emo... fail and fall doesn't matters... the key is tat... you got to try wat you could do... and get back on your feets... move on strong...

I hate life... i hate living... i feel tat its a torture for me to live everyday... because, things around me isn't any better that i expected it to be... isn't wonderful tat i hope it could be... and everytime when problems arise when i fail and fall... its so much difficult to stand up again...

Sometime, things and problems isn't on your fault... but it just so unfair to happen it on you... you can't do anything and find no reason where you are wrong... but... its just life... tats just how humans and humans created problems and problems... I always believe tat god is fair... but everytime when i tot my chance is here... the time to be fair for me, has finally arrive... i was wrong again... i would just say... its another beginning to be unfair for me... why isn't god proving for wat i always believe in... i just don't understand...

Sometime... we got to expect little, live simply... that helps a lot... =)

Its 1:03am now... consider wed... STUPID !! can sat arrive faster !! Hrumphhhhh !!

Between you and me... what are we...
This game, needs you and me to continue...
We are so happy, neither of us want it to end...
But in order to win... you know... you are holding the key...
I'll not rush you... coz I want... us to win without regrets ok... =)

Faster come back la !! Da Da Arh !!

This song, for you... I'm waiting for you !!

2007-10-11T04:25:00.001-07:00

Can't make it for ytd and today...

I guess tml... i still can't make it...

Just don't force me...

2007-10-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

I just want to say...

--->ii.....

------->need.....

------------->you.....

2007-10-04T05:13:00.000-07:00

I finially get my answer le... =D
hahaha... lolz !!

我真的很喜欢你 =X

2007-10-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

hwy idd i efle os tuhr nhew i ahder uoy truhbog haornte gitnh... a eit rfo uyro xe... yhw ydlusden i lefe os wnod dan dwtaen ot dne tvncnaisoreo hiwt uyo almietmiyde... yhw ddi siht gfeniel ttggeni emro infpaul orme rhluftu... wyh did tsih lmsal illtte emratt bael ot liosp ym omdo ym yad trihg aayw... wyh i eoohcs ot og gnnunri tujs wno dna utlylaac... tno eenv fhla het kcatr... m’i orwn-otu... nto neev fahl... wta hte cfku... tbu i wkon teh neraos lewl... sti nto ueeacbs fo aegnr... ist ceebasu fo eflengi rtahe naip... tis nto a gbi mterat tallrafe... os i nwko... a gntih, a plees lwli rrveeco em kbca ot anrlmo... =)

What a post... What a night...

This post is not important... nth much...
Tml must be ok !! =D

2007-10-01T13:12:00.000-07:00

hmmm... its 4:13am now... and i'm not in bed... lolz...

sat night played mahjong and won $76...
Money is money but...
Tat time won $51... few days later hear the person i liked got someone in mind le...
What the..... !
Now won $76... even more than last time...
Diao... God !! don't like tat leh..... haiz yo...

we play 3 round of mahjong, started at abt 12am plus then finish first 2 round at abt 6 plus i think... and went down to eat first coz everyone was so hungry !! lolz... i treated coz by tat time win alot le ma... so... some sort of rule... must treat de... lolz ! then went back and continue the 3 round till abt 10+ near 11 when we ended lor... won tat much la... and was asked to play another round wor... but too tired le... somemore later got outing so i rejected... =p... lolz... then everyone very tired... lay here lay there... slack until 1+ then go down drink bbt and eat waffle... i treated again... lolz... who ask me to win so much =x... then got home abt 2pm le !! lolz... faster bath and prepare and head out le... lolz...

Went to chinese garden... Quite Nice... with beautiful lantern and lights filled up all over the place... very glad tat she actually enjoy the place... keep talking picture... =) wasn't so bad than i expected =x lolz... than after tat... went to buy some snacks and hired cab to a place... dunno how to spell the name... lolz... then spend the rest of the night there chatting away lor... walked back to her hse from there and then took bus home... fall aslp in bus right after i sat down... haha... then when i alight from my stop... i walk back home still need a distance away but i walked quite fast i think... the steps i took like flooding lor !! blur blur walk walk then reach le home... quickly bath then slp le... my face ---> (Z . Z)

lolz... 7am+ slp but 5pm + awake... read msg... then no energy... fall aslp again... then 6pm + er jie called and ask wan eat dinner bo, she da bao... then okok, just few mins only... she reach home liao... cannot slp liao... diao ! eat le... then watch tv... haha... ch8 can make me watch from 7 till 10+... not bad wor... haha... then er jie study her thing... mum slp le... so i very bored... nth to do... on my com... nth to do... off it le... then went to bath before i slp... in toilet... see still dirty... er jie just now didn't wash cleanly so i wash again =x lolz... wash finish bath finish... come out... er jie told me i spend almost 2 hr inside ! lolz... haha! come out, mum woke up le, chatting with er jie in the kichen... so i just join in lor... talk talk... and ended with everyone drank a cup of milk and put mask before slp =x lolz... da jie brought de mask from japan... lolz... i fall aslp at 12 like tat... but just 2am+ woke up le... dunno why... lolz... on com... till 4+ then start blogging... now is ... 5:20am... lolz... haha... actually i will blog de hor... "hao" don't say i long long blog one time ar... i blog u also maybe didn't come see... =x !! but i now rarely go view u all de blog =x... cannot like tat hor... ? i know i know... will find time go view u all de blog so tat i can update how u all doing... =)

The following part are going to be written in black... so pls don't read them even if you know how ok ?? =) No one is allow... Seriously... NO ONE...

Why did i pinch your face... !!!
Why did i cross over my limits and like you even more...!
Why did i break my rules when i told myself i shouldn't like you too much !
Coz you told me before... told me to give up before...
Coz you will always talk abt your ex... and i know you still love him...
Coz you will always say abt other guys jioing you in the mean time...
Coz of this and tat... i know i doesn't stand much chances...
Ya... Give up... i really thought of that and i admit...
Coz of this and tat makes me feel like giving up anytime...
But why i didn't give up... !! why i didn't let go...
Why i choose to know more abt you and understand you more...
Why did i know the reason... tat i actually wan to take care of you...
why did i have the feeling... afraid to lose you...
why i became even more afraid tat you will patch with your ex anytime...
Afraid other guys might have you...
Afraid wat those guys outside want is just make them happy...
Why did we chatted so much and i realise you can easily get cheated...
Why did i wan to understand you more...
when actually understand you more... makes me wan to protect you more...
Make me wan to take care of you...
not thoses fren feeling...
not thoses protecting the weakers...
but afraid you get hurt... you get cheated...
Why would i have the feeling to hold your hand when crossing the road...
why did this feeling started when we finish our lunch tat day at lucky plaza
Crossing the road to CK Tang...
Why i feel so contented when i see you smiling so much... laughing so cute...
why did i woke up just now at 2am + and the first person i think is you...
and ask myself why did i pinch you... why i cross limit...
haiz..... i can't like you so much... i know.... i know...
i might not have you in the end... i know i'll be disappointed...
if i like you more... i know in the end... i gets more disappointed...
Why did i turn back and choose not to give up...
why i don't mind doing so much... suffering my brain just to get your num...
Why did i believe and hoping and praying for fate to be on my side...
Why i'm lying to myself tat i might have chance...
Why did i fall in love of your act cute face...
Why did i miss your voice now...
Why did i put this song you like in my blog now...

Why... Haiz... go slp le la !!
When i wake up... everything back to normal... don't think too much !!

2007-09-27T03:27:00.000-07:00

Simply like the way you smile and laugh...

I have to say I hasn't understand much abt you...
I know there's still tons of things i need to know in order to understand you well...
I take it slowly... No rushing... but always, I hope fate is on my side this time...

Like you more is wat i wish to be...
Love by you is wat i wish to has...

It could be difficult to hold your hands...
It could be tough to have you accepted...
But when looking right into your eyes...
I know its worth trying wat I really could do and wants for...

2007-09-06T07:26:00.001-07:00

Unable defined my feelings...

but...

its just nothing good...

Watching both of you togther... why not just kill me ??

2007-09-02T02:57:00.000-07:00

I dunno why... but I made the decision not to look back into my past... but i know, i'll always did that... so... for this...i try... looking forward... i choosen her... i mean.. i choosen to know more about her... depend... heEx...

You guys get wat i mean ??

I really hope I can have more time with her... Not Jio... but at least know more about her first... maybe become better friends... or maybe... ... ... ... lolz

Starting work soon again !!! Oh No...

2007-08-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... i... just don't feel like blogging... but... somethings... should say out de bah... how should i say leh... the previous post is very emotion, so i written it in black... you can't see it unless you highlight it.. just don't wan make it so emotion lor... just write down.. hope feels better... haiz...

Yup... i'm been always finding searching for a true love... but how leh... true love doesn't appear as and when u wants it or so... so maybe... i just haven found mine yet bah...

On "11/8/07" was my pri sch fren de birthday... so went to the chalet and manage to make a new fren... i wanted to know even before we met... ya... a girl... to me quite cute and fren say she very guai de... so... just make a fren or so... "i continue this on the later part" ... then finish chalet went mahjonging but lucky sunday off... haha... lolz... won $51.. Heng Heng...

Then just recently... Its sunday, 19/8/07... was outside eating with family then finish, take cab, on the way home... sheng msg and tell me ... ya... i no chance for her le la... she got like de person... i very shock... coz this few months... i just waiting for her mah... but no one ask me to wait... i waited myself de la... then suddenly... rains heavily lor... very very heavy... i dunno why... then reach home... very sad... and just went to find sheng, on way to there... i took the opportunity to catch the rain... although its not tat big liao... but still turn wet bah... reach le sheng house downstair... i got the ans from him tat i request him to ask her.... ya, she has someone in mind and i don't stand a chance... actually she long long ago already make it very clearly liao... just tat i stubborn... tot tat wait could really makes a different... but then... no la... then i reach home and get myself wash up... thinking tat after the caught in rain... and then the cleaning up... i should wake up le lor... and give up... i know i hasn't... but i just blog"previous" it down... so tat i can remind myself... ya... i should stops... should give up le... but till today la... "22/8/07" sheng told me... he saw the recent post she blog de... tell me a bit of tat... then i went home... find... can't find it... gone le... sheng check liao also say its gone le... ya... but manage to get the meaning and message she trying to make it clear of and tells me... although didn't see it myself but i heard from him liao... suddenly... i flash back... i didn't feel sad le... dunno why... ya... frankly speaking... no sad le... but a sense of relief bah... like theres nth inside my heart... maybe after the tearing raining night till now... makes me forget le ? i dunno... i doesn't know why so fast... maybe this few months of waiting... i didn't put much hope on it... but i just wait bah... then now... i wan to say is... ya... a simply sorry to you... forgive me... this few months of problems and irritates tat i created for you... don't angry or wat k... now... ya... very normal le... just don't put it to heart... really really... hope u read this part... can make you smile... =) coz i really wun hold on to it le la.. let bygone be bygone... =D

HeEx... finish writting the above part... feels okok leh... like so stubborn de me... really hard to put down something de, so now... i really did it... kk... tats an ending... sign off for tat...

Hmmm... for tat girl i just know hor... i know la... you guys comfirm thinking i found new want... then old one forget very fast or don't wan right... but at first i tot i was doing tat... and keeping questioning myself whether am i doing tat... and is it right... hahaha... but no la... actually forget the past is a must to do de... just tat till now... then realise... aaa... ya... forget le... took quite a long time bah... hahaha... no link between the new and old... then for this new de girl leh... at first... ya lor... even before we met... got to saw her pic at tat "birthday boy" de laptop... very cute and sweet looking... haha... lolz... blah blah blah... make fren le... the tot of "jioing" her did appears in my mind... i did sms to msg her... chat a bit in msn... trying to ask for a chat in phone(hasn't chat yet) and even meet out for movie... really leh... then she sms reply very slow de... maybe 2 hours then reply me... so i dunno why... will become very alert if whether my phone vibrate anot... many times took out and see... aaa... nth leh... hahaha... then if vibrate... NB... not her... my fren or wat... kao... hahaha... lolz... then chat at msn with her also very happy... although not many times coz i been working this few days... yup... actually tml 23/8/07 has planned to watch movie with her de... but she say sch ends late... better watch next time bah... ya... up till now... didn't chat much in msn, didn't chat in phone before, didn't meet out before and sms reply also long long one or no reply... hahaha... ya... when working... keep thinking of her... BUT THEN LEH.... this 2 days... didn't contact her... maybe coz... i think think and ask myself... what am i doing... i like her ma ? i think think.... ya... maybe i just like her abit... or maybe i should just treat her the most fren bah... don't wan jio her better... coz... coz... i rmb wat my first girl fren once told me or should i say... scold me... she say... be with the girl not because she is good but because you like her anot... then i think... ya hor... i like her abit but can no need jio... COZ... she some sort of... got someone in mind... then tat guy also treat her not bad i think... make puzzle, compose songs, write letter... but actually... is depend de la... if u like this person... even nth is made... also will like de... but if u don't like... make wat do wat also just rubbish to them... haha... i guess she is touch when that guy make thoses for her bah... i dunno... i only know tat now... i shouldn't think too much abt me and her... hahaha... coz i keep thinking future de thing... very funny de... like to day dream during work... haha... I LOVE DAY DREAMING... i stop the decision of wooing her now because... maybe we still dunno each other well... know better... then become better frens... from there .... wan jio anot... see if i like her even more le ma... and provided if she still single... hahaha... but hardly de la... don't put too much hope... maybe ppl also not interested in me ma... =x if by the time we know each other well and i like her alot, she still single... i will jio her de... don't say make puzzle la... hahaha... make something tat she see le will touch and cry also no big deal la... =x...

OkOk... this two case... close liao ar... no more future saying liao... haha...

My first girl fren... she suddenly came across my mind... maybe shes the first girl i fall in love with... the first girl i cried... the first girl i made alot of thing for... but ya la... not only must know how to make things for ppl... but also must get in touch with the person... i dunno leh... a feeling of being together with her, appears... i dunno... should i just mark it an end... and nv even go and touch it... just be fren or shld i say... times to times... i hope we can patch... ah yo... does this apply to you guys ? first love can nv be able to forget and always will think... if still got chance ma... got this feeling ma... ? hahaha... i dunno leh... quite long no chat... she got like de person liao bah... haha... maybe someday... i should just suddenly call her and ask " you got like anyone... " if ans is no... " can we patch ma... ?" hahaha... if she say got like de person liao or say don't wan patch... wun sad la... coz we still fren fren... heEx... if patch... in the future..."she's the one i'll have no doubt to get marry with" haha... again... think so much rubbish again...

Now mid-night liao... still can day dream... lolz... btw, tml off coz i got to go for my o'lvl retake eng oral... hahaha... turning in now le bah... oppx... need bath first... then ya bah... write till here... good luck to me k...

Jolene... If you not angry le... read this post le... tag me to let me know ok... =)
Hope we can be friends forever... =)

When should i call her leh... =x... disturb ppl only... diao... haha... Good Night...

2007-08-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Tears rolling and falling off from my eyes...
I don't understand why i couldn't control them...
My heart are tearing apart like a thousand broken pieces...
I'm tired... I lost my strength to hold any longer...
You gotten the person u like...
I hope you find your Mr Right...

I know this time... I will... give up...
Just let time to help me forget you...

2007-07-31T09:05:00.000-07:00

Wah !! hahaha... so long nv blog again !! lolz... kk... how to start off again leh... erm... abt 3 months plus nv blog le wor... hmmm... this is not the right attitude and way to keep blog a life... don't follow me... haha...

nothing to say... erm... army de thing... both "extra" checkup... gone le... normal... waste time... just tat now need to wait for letter again to tell me my pes status then another letter to tell me wat date enlistment lor... zzz... then maybe i think... its better to be after my o'lvl english paper... better bah... lolz... i got retake my english coz of tat... i can't get into poly... lolz... !! then now working lor... quited meyer(sell pots) and work as king koil promoter lor... now at tampines metro work... coz going to close down le... abt 10th of Aug... "50% off and plus 30% off " so attracting leh... haha... i seriously need some important off days coz... 8/8/07 is my "brother" lida de birthday... so, all brothers are going to celebrate with him... and tat day... i manage to off... just nice... but national day... i can't off... Haiz... but nvm la... off also bo liao... i really hope can watch fire-works with her lor... very romantic right... other couple comfirm go watch de lor... so envy !! sad... and this little wish can't come true this year... our status now... don't need say watch fire-works la... talk also difficult lor... haiz... blame myself... but then... by now... i still like her... not like... to myself... i know i have fallen for her... and actually... it was her tears that clear off my sight... realise wat i used to be... realise how seriously bad tat i had done... maybe if tat time when she didn't give any respone(cry) when i'm with another girl... i wun came to realise i did wrong and hurt someone i like... and slowly become someone i loved... really take a wrong step tat i shouldn't have done... but the tears tat fallen off from her eyes... the tears tat i tried to stop but couldn't... tat was her tears tat make me wake up !! ya lor... wake up... after tat incident... when i still working at ck-tang... when i took train home... i really cry in train... got cry alone.. got cry when sheng beside... but no choice... coz little memories between me and her floods back and then become emotion lor.. right now... sometime before i sleep... memories will still flash back and will still cry.. but it already becomes a habit for me le... dunno why also... just love her alot la... don't talk big... i learn to say the realistic words... i can't promise tat i will forever love her ma... so... i wun anyhow say promise to wait or promise to love forever... coz... tat is not realistic... not totally unrealistic but abit abit la... time will flatten off the promise de ma... haha... but i really like her la !! i dunno... but i wun do anything much la... she also very busy with her stuff... but at least when i say something... she still will reply... like... tat time roller blade... i ask the group... wat time le... she reply "near 6pm" le... OMG lor... can fly u know... coz tat few words BELONGS to me de... hahaha... abit crazy abit too over right... no la... u all dunno the feeling de le... its like... i hurt this person so much... i myself feel so guilty le... then one day... tat person actually can tok to you... its like in drama shows when the disown son call his dad "daddy"... tat feeling lor !! Seriously lor... but now... i'll be staying behide and hope she doing well with everything... although i very busy working... but tat day when i off... i rush and read all the post at once... eyes so tired... hahaha... coz really got no time to read her blog but still wan know how things going on with her lor... heEx... tml off... tats why got time to blog le... but actually is thursday off only lor... but tat IDIOT CORRINE KOH... Lao CB auntie... normally i very respect auntie de lor... and always joke with them... but this idiot shit... like wan to work all the way... don't wan off and wan earn alot of commission... Fuck lor... then i tml suppose to work de... but this idiot auntie say no la... she no off... so i called ivy and ask... she say ya... she off tml... so i just pass the phone to the auntie and on phone... she told ivy tat she work until 4th of aug ma... then 5th off and go other place le... coz metro 10th then close... CB LOR !!! she no need do RETURN STOCK already very lucky le... got commission share with her so DAME Lucky Le... Still don't wan OFF... KNN... when finish the call, she FUCKING Roll her eyes up and tip her head side way and Very "YA YA" and reply to me... see... i tml no off... OMG LOR... tml weekdays... then can't be my senior, wendy auntie , CORRINE auntie and me work ma... just need 3 ppl only... then tat IVY STILL LET HER WORK !! fuck sia... so i diam diam lor... keep quiet... then after tat... call my senior and told her ivy let her work... so she say... she will call ivy... and ask... after a while... she called back and say tat ivy say she will still work tml !! and i change to OFF... OIE !! FUCK U ALL LA... I no need to work and earn money ar... she can song song work so many days... then i leh... CB... ! i quit Meyer to come and help work weekends... then now "Fan lian bu re ren" Bastard right ?? then i just tell senior ok lor... i off... then she say... then u off wed... thursday leh...but i say cannot... thursday i need off... coz maybe ck plan outing... ask me make tat day free... so i keep promise... bo pian lor... OFF TWO DAY !! CB LA... i need money ma... then before i join King Koil... still tell me i can work how many days i wan... but i anything... off one day... to rest and also no need so many ppl... but fuck... off me one more day for tat auntie... i don't think its fair lor !! So wat if she's very experience... Idiot lor... i actually not so angry de leh... but just now... i reach home... senior called again and tell me work tml... then i ask... i work who off... then she say wendy lor... so i straight away reject lor... i say... i better off... wendy aunite monday just off only... then wednesday off again... she no money earn also comfirm sad de ma... SO I XI SHEN !! for wendy auntie... let her work i nvm lor... let CORRINE KOH... Fuck lor... KING KOIL PLANNING SHEDULE JUST UNFAIR AND SUCKS LA... senior treat me very good lor... so i don't wan make her NaN Zhou Ren... I Just Off two days lor... just make myself a break lor... zzzzz... hahaha...

Ask myself don't so angry... very fast old =x

See !! I blog so much... Blog Reborn... but dunno when will be the next time i blog... =x !!

2007-06-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

Place-Vent-Feeling...

Please tell me...

2007-04-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

hoo... wat can i start off again... lost the feeling of blogging again... was like 2 weeks didn't blog le... release tat ? haiz... wat time is it now leh... its 6.14am now... dots.... hmmm, just blog abt something else first bah...

ya... dunno how long will it be this time... coz going to write abt this 2 weeks de thing... but somehow... the feeling is missing bah... going to write them in a very short way bah... k, i think it was 25 april, i was slping in the afternoon (maybe morning then slp) when i got a phone call from bing... claiming tat they having a job now... just finish interview i guess... pay was quite high... just work for 4 days only... but when i'm sleeping... just very lazy to get up de, so i didn't agree to go down city hall straight away and interview tat job... continue sleeping ~ then i think abt 6+pm wake up... on com... then suddenly... think... aaaa... just now bing call me sia... offering a job... pay so high, why don't wan... then tat time also not working ma, just quit my pervious job... so later, i called bing and manage to get the contact num... call the person and was ask to come down interview the next day lor... which is thursday bah... bing accompany go coz i asked for it, and dunno how to go ma... so inteview, the job is explain as a IT promoter... so ask alot of my it knowledge... asking them in a very blur way lor... the lady who interview me also like... aaa, this person know abt computer anot de... haha, so just finish the interview in a very weird way bah... then went to tangs and find ck talk talk lor... auntie there was like very shock to see me like tat... coz very long nv go down le ma... haha... chat there quite long, mostly with auntie =x then move on to lucky plaza 6th and eat the chicken rice with bing then after tat, play pool over there... till abt 8+pm bah... Its so hurting when I saw the place we been before... totally can't take it in heart... kk, missed the part tat we actually got the call from the agent there and we were recuit !! omg lor... just interview abt mins ago then got the job =x the hour and timing was change... from the actual 3 days normal( 10am to 10pm, 2 hr break) $75 each day and 1 public holiday( same timing) $100... it was already very attracting in the first place but it gets even better when it change to 12-9pm , 1hr break, $80 each and labour day is 2 x normal pay = $160... wah !! so we got the job and start working on sat, sun, mon and tue(labour day)... hmmm... nth much happen during these 4 days... just very boring... its not selling IT at all... just the service... is like... a plan of $259, one year... a warrenty for your computer software... note, its like software of service... not things tat u spoil... the job just touches on things like com slow down, can't start up, virus, spyware, no internet connection, no wireless, software in com not functioning well... blah blah blah... actually, its just rubbish to me lor... so... actually, didn't manage to sell any of the plan... =x was really bored to dead... jobs were too simple, just try approach anyone and sell the plan... simply to do but difficult to sell... lolz, who will buy ??

That was abt job, during tat few days... think, dunno is friday bah, da jie, jie fu and bryan got come to have dinner together... as a early meal for er jie birthday... have dinner at coffeeshop lor... then aftertat... went home cut cake... btw, my er jie birthday is 1st of May... Labour day... heEx... then mahjong began... play play... mum and me tag coz she got work the next day and she decide to play the first half... then took over the place when i found out... actually she lost alot liao =x opps... got 40 as base, left 10+ when i sat down... haha... so just continue lor... in the end, i didn't win back... not dissappointed, but learn something out of it... card was nice... just didn't win... enjoy the process when my cards getting nicer... so.. in the end, lose, not sad... at least i didn't lose the process... sometime results... don't actually ans wat happen in the end... but in the process of it... yup... on monday night, came back from work... see my blog de tag, saw wat jie si tag... well... to be honest.. i not angry of wat she type... "a person who is a failure in relationship should not judge another ppl's relationship" wah... i saw tat... well first... was of coz shock... then i started off by saying tat in msn to her "Jie si... u no need to leave such a comment in my tag de ma... sound so sarcastic to me lor... haiz" ... kk, we argue abt tat for awhile, but tats no improtant coz i was just trying to say... fail in relationship doesn't mean cannot say others wat... i fail coz my ex break with me, then thoses who break before all fail in the relationship before wat... kk, drop tat sub... i got fed up coz she say tat similar words again...

"how long does each of your relationship last?"
"dont think yours should consider as a relationship"
"maybe a fling?"

when i saw tat... ya, angry... extremely... was like... wei, i didn't come disturb u, why disturb me by leaving such a tag in my blog, true tat tagboard for ppl to tag... but who in the hell will tag tat when we both just didn't get along well with each other... i mean... we recently just happened something ma... then come tag... who in her place will do tat... dunno la... she come tag i don't mind... but she repeat the similar words again the 2nd time ~ its damn hurtful if u didn't release tat... forgot the first time u said tat right... i rmb so clearly coz u the first person, first girl( a gf at the same time) who said tat to me... tat day was the so call class gathering at yanti hse... we didn't talk... u left first... at night, 9pm+ i recieve a sms from u... i didn't rmb it well... but it was something like.. "jeff, now then i know why all your past relationship didn't last le..." ya... i didn't angry coz i know u are angry of me, tats why u msg me tat... then now 2nd time say tat... pls la... u think i wan all my relationship to be tat... u think i wan break... k, added u in... i have 3 ex now and indeed, it sound so great to u coz none of them last over a mth... and its becoming a joke to everyone tat my relationship... is just getting shorter, u know the feeling ? u don't... from the first... 25 days... 2nd is 2 weeks... now u is just less tat 2 weeks... oh man, u think all of tat, i wanted, i asked for it ? haiz... i wrote all this down... not afraid to let u see... but wan to tell you... pls... u not happy with me of anything... just don't take out my past relationship and make fun of it... no offence or anything... we just started in a very wrong timing... and i made things even worst... so... just... sry...

The rest of the days... hmmm... most of the days... were just rotting at home... =x tat makes me so slack at home.... game, eat, slp... just very useless... hmmm... think got one sat, asked sheng to come my house coz he got nth on also... then we dl fairyland to play... then ben and Lida drop by... like come sit sit coz they were ard ma... then later alan, natee and ka chu came... they were ard too... didn't have things to keep them from bored, so... just open the mahjong table which they love most and just play with it... 4 ppl mahjong the rest use com... at night, called bing... asked him to come have supper together then later on can continue another round of mahjong, he just agree and came... well, ben and Lida did left first lor... i mean they left before having supper together... hmmm... as usual, play till mahjong... then went to eat breakfast... we split ways after tat lor... got one day, went roller blade with 2 pri sch fren bah... just roller blading ard... they are good at it man... i got to improve alot at roller blading... haha... last week, sat went to play mahjong, together with sheng take bus num 8... to near bing hse there meet bing and went to alan hse... started from afternoon... with my lunch having over at his place... then at night, planned to have movie with family at plaza sing... it was a 9pm show... "SpiderMan 3"... after a round of mahjong, it was 6+pm so we decided to continue, maybe just another half round... so play play play... we ended the half round at abt 8.15pm lor... so kan chiong coz cannot late ma... da jie will be very angry if i late for movie coz of mahjong haven finish ma... so... i just took cab lor... from his place pasir ris to PS... lucky, win alot... so got money take cab =x... then heng... reach there, 8.45pm... they were eating at Agisha(dunno how to spell) then i just have the time to order a meal and finish it fast lor... the movie last for 2.30 hr... quite nice... dunno why da jie can fall aslp... =x hahaha... then after tat... split ways again, er jie and larree(bf) go his place... da jie, jie fu, bryan need to go back home... da jie take cab home ma... so, give me a ride to pasir ris coz called alan on the way, they don't mind ton at his place, so went there continue =x... haha... so just play over there until morning again... everyone were half dead... hahaha... in the end... me have a breakfast over sheng downstair de coffeeshop... he ke lian sia, still got to go work... ah yo...

Missed the part of Celebrated Mother's day on last week friday, eating at gelang de "No Signboard Seafood" with family and grandma(mum de mum)... just have a simply dinner over there lor... heEx...

Missed the part tat i did went for army de medical checkup... but was giving a Pes d... which actually means pending... got called them, ask why pes D... then they say... dunno wat other pes to give me, so need to wait for 1 mth before they decide... siao... not Pes A then at least give me a Pes B la... not fit enough meh... wan do one hand push up let him see ma =x... everything seems to be fine during the checkup leh... the last station... need to pull down pants... then cough... well, tat was ok also wat... he just as normal say... good... haha... like so weird... to let him see my brother... although i had been warned before hand from others... tats why i know he going to ask for tat... but still feel very weirdo... haha... then keep on asking me got any heart problem all this... diao... in the end put pes D... shit lor... waste 1 mth waiting... still got abt 2 more weeks...

Its 8.40am le wor... wah... type too much again... =x
haiz... this few days, my sleeping time completly change le... always need to wait till morning or afternoon then can fall slp, i mean in the night and midnight... i can't slp... haiz... then mum so angry coz i keep on not slping in the night and play com till morning... i don't wan to... but always when i laid on bed... i start thinking all over again... and tears just quicky forming... the only way i can get to slp is just making my body suffer and fall slp quickly so tat i don't even have the time to think... haiz... thinking of wat... don't wish to write down bah...

Tat day when family finish mahjong, me and er jie and larree shared a bed... but just as i lay down and face my back at er jie... tears just fall and fall and fall... she didn't realise i would cry and cry right beside of her... i dunno why i couldn't hold my tears... i could only force myself not to make any sound... i can't alert them... i can't let them know i'm crying... it just came so sudden... then i lay abt 15min without stopping my tear... i went to the kitchen and get myself a drink... da jie haven slp... she was using the com, but she didn't release i came out of the room with my tears on the face... she didn't release i was crying when she went to the toilet halfway using com and i was standing at the window there, crying... she asked why still don't wan slp... i could just simply reply... soon soon... i cried... alone... my tears nv finish... i cried... i don't need sympathy from others... and indeed, tats nt i wanted and needs...

I just can't get over this... I just need to say out everything and spare me the last chance to cry out everything and pain i'm having... I just need the right person to be there... I just need tat ears and just beside me... Just listen to me... tat is more than enough... I only could think of you...

Can you help me ?
Would you be there ?

2007-04-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... after rearranging my links... look better... haha...

Must blog liao sia..... Coz my stupid Best Fren come Brother *Sheng* ask me to blog... hahaha... sheng... don't like tat leh... make more frens in class and sch ok... make new frens doesn't mean old friends gone... its all depend on ourself whether to stay contact anot de ma... no worries... once brothers, forever brothers... Brothers Blood Burning !!! kk... lets just started... this few days at home very sian... rotten liao... coz didn't get into poly, plus... i just quitted my job last sat... then from tat day onwards... erm, sunday i think i did nth much... but da jie got drop by after bryan(nephew) swimming lesson at tampines complex... had lunch together... than also talk alot... ask all abt my army stuff again... ask me to think and think again... but in the end... i still going army... kk... then monday... evening... join my brothers for basketball... then tueday,rot at home... wed... bing called me in the afternoon and ask for lunch together, coz he was nearby mah... but i lazy la... haven even brush teeth, wan me go down eat... siao... but he very good... help me buy lunch instead... haha... thanks thanks... then we chatted while i'm eatting la... after tat, play Winning Eleven & NBA (playstation2 game)... aftertat... wee ask for basketball at abt 6+... i was like so happy !! got things to do sia... can play bb... shoick... then later sheng called, and ask me wan to eat... then i ask him to come along and play bb... since he finish sch ma.... then good lor... we all ride bicycle to the other part of tampines after the meal... and bing took bus... hmmm.... then today leh... was suppose to go tangs and find the auntiesss and CK de... coz ck at tangs alone sia... is sian de lor... one youngster, one male... omg... ke lian.... but in the end... coz i midnight nv slp ma... play game alone... then end up... 6+am then slp... around 12+pm... cannot get off from bed... so sms ck, i can't make it today... hahaha... psps... end up i 5pm+ then woke up... opps.... ya... when i woke up... i was shock !! oh my fucking god !! wheres my GOD !! ya... i mean god... really... stupid dad... this few days like cannot wait to sell this house like tat... siao de lor.... he like crazy de... all of the sudden... clear the plants and table outside... then move the shoes rack from the living room to outside... siao... all our shoes are place outside... easily get stolen u know !! my sis and mum are all complaining lor... but bo pain... he move tat outside... luckily also like... no one will come and steal la... then living room de small refrigerator and table also throw... oh man.... then today... he throw the "sheng cuo" i mean.... god table or wat la... all disappeared lor... siao... from the day i live in this house... this god accompany the house for years le sia... nv change before then now throw it all of the sudden... at least make it the last thing we move la... fuck up man... living room left the sofa and tv set only... cb... he move all this so fast also no use... this house no matter wat also will sell but need time to prepare de ma... stupid leh... he think wan sell... all thoses document can be done within a day and sell tml ar... he think he's the only one who is going to divorce and sell house meh... cannot wait ar... !! haiz.... kk... drop this subject... sell also good la... walk separate ways... mum can live better... no need to quarrel with him everyday and night... anway, today mum got back home abt 6+, she also shock... very shock... got ask him why go move away the god... but he just say in the end also need move de... but mum also not angry la... coz she also understand ma... heEx... she grown up alot !! haha... then i accompany her and went coffee shop eat lor... after tat got buy abit abit things la... the nice part is tat, we walk pass the fruits stall and i tell mum, i wan apple... she then choose and picked 2 apple... buy and wash straight away... heEx... so sweet lor... i don't mean the apple... the apple taste alright only... i mean mum and me... heEx... i love the feeling... we are so closed... heEx... Warm my heart ~ ~ ~

To SinYi...
kk... Lets read this one by one ok... hmmm... u wrote alot... so i reply u paragraph by paragraph... parts by parts... kk... oh ya... ppl, reading my blog... my post now... u all also can look at her blog for more details and clearer image... i think u don't mind right sinyi ?? maybe i sound very sarcastic.... Very Sorry... but since u blog it down... u also don't mind ppl read and see le right...kk... At first... u all break off the first time... ben cry right... the next day, rmb, i called u... i was abt to scold u... but u cried in the phone... then ask can we all stop asking u, the questions... okok... u was crying... i also nv ask and put down the phone le... in the end, patch... then break again... this time i nv call u le... i nv ask much le... coz i, don't even wan to care abt your things and feeling le... don't wan to care abt your problem or the path u choose le... indeed, u are surely thinking, why we all nv contact u or wat right... nv come scold u right... haha... for wat... break one time, patch and break again... nonsense... who will wan to fuck care u anymore... kk... i reply wat u wrote in the blog first... later got miss out anything... i just add it in at the end of this paragraph... Good... u saying ppl are again, using another yan guang to look at u le right !! u use the word again... because the first time u break with ben... ppl change their yan guang le ma... now break 2nd time... then again lor... right... ya right, u can't blame ppl if we do tat... but u fucking well think again... wat have u did and said in the past... dunno wat u told to the others la... but u rmb got one time, me and u was walking to ben house... and u told me the secert tat jared is wooing u and told u wat he like u from the beginning or watever shit la... then break off with her gf because of u, hurting himself for u... but u told me tat u will nv love him or wat so ever.... say wat u will nv be together with him... then next few days also chatting at msn or wat... told me tat u will try and try to convince him, no matter wat... u will not be together with him... i totally totally believe in u, believe your words as a fren... but in the end leh... FUCK OFF LA... u don't mean wat u say... instead do the things u said u wun... Fine... continue ar... u say u will lose your frens and say we are right to support our buddy... u can think anot... even if a person dunno u, heard this situation and story... u think the person will support u instead.... FUCK... and U FUCKING RMB THIS OK... u didn't lose us as a fren... even u need help... we'll be there... but instead, we lose the trust in u.... really... TOTALLY... u say u wan us to scold u right... OIE, SCOLD INFRONT OF U RIGHT... DON'T ACT PURE AND INNOCENCE, DON'T SAY UNTIL U DON'T HAVE ANY WRONG OR TAT U NOT THE FIRST PEOSON TO BE BLAME CAN ANOT !! BITCH, IS TAT WAT U WAN... NOW SCOLD U LE, SCOLD U SO MUCH... WHY, SO TAT, IN YOUR HEART, U FEEL BETTER RIGHT... AT LEAST, FINALLY...... GOT PPL COME AND SCOLD U... WAN US WRITE DOWN OUR NAME SO TAT U KNOW, WAH, SO MANY PPL HATE U, I DON'T MEAN HATE... I MEAN.. .SO MANY OF YOUR FRENS SAW THE TRUE COLOUR OF YOURS... TATS WHAT U WAN MA... CB, FUCKING GIRL... kk... i scold u too much... i haven explain things... scold u... ppl comfirm think i'm unreasonable de... kk, next paragraph... don't tell me u crying now lor... all your tears are fake de la... u didn't realise u have wrong and u didn't realise u have CHANGE... u didn't know... u just continue and read... since, tats wat u wanted and i'm doing u a favour... if not i wouldn't care and just keep quiet and say nth lor... just like the others... don't wish to care more... 2nd paragraph... ya ya... u made the decision... u think u are right... make up your mind and choose le... good lor... this one we can't help... ways are left for u to choose and decide... since u wan tat... we can't say anything... u think ar... Jared or Ben didn't point a knife at u ok, u decided who to choose and go for... ya... Stuck tat in your mind... GIRL !! Coz one day... i Swear... u will totally regret... if u didn't regret, i chop off la... !! hahaha, why i put myself into the water... siao... i shouldn't care hor... nvm la... ah ya... protecting your sweetheart jared wat... ask us not to blame him... haha... tell u something now, which is very very true... "LOVE IS BLIND"... ya, indeed... so... heEx... totally sarcastic... why m i giving myself trouble in writing all this sia... write le, ppl all think i unreasonable de... but nvm la... thoses who know the story... wun blame me... dunno the story... just look look and forget ok... haha... 3rd paragraph... we no rights to comment...but only advice... agree agree... but u think... u done all this shameful things and stuff... ppl will still think u are pure and good ?? hahaha... FUCKING IDIOT... u are turning yourself to us and saying we have no rights to comment... did we interrupt during the break... or patch... its u who called for the shot... FUCKER... its u who initiated the break and patch... and only after tat... we console ben... and trying to make things easiler for him... FUCKING FORGETTING U THIS BITCH... SAYING ALL THOSES, WE ARE WRONG ? BTW, U DIDN'T KNOW WE SAID TAT... BUT YOUR HEART AND MIND ARE TELLING U TAT WAT U DID WILL MAKE US SAID TAT RIGHT... FUCKING GUILTY RIGHT... SLUT... oh man !! stopppppp scold u first... explain finish first... wah, my case was added in wor... haha... yaya... no one should be scolded... but are u thinking tat... doing all thoses... doesn't even deserve ppl to say a single word... not even scolding u ?? haha... don't make me faint la... ppl scold u... hope u can change mind or tell u wat they think... ppl scold u because u not living alone whereby no one seems to care... ppl scold u is for your own good... ppl scold u coz they can see how a ppl is on the other view... cannot judge something on your own de ma... this world alot of things we dunno and dunno the other darkness part of the world... ppl around u may know even better... even more... really... no lies... but all this, if u didn't take it to heart... and didn't listen and think through... tats up to you... maybe one day... no one seems to be there for u coz u don't wan ppl to COMMENTS on your things right... but again... did u see us all going after u and scold u... did u... we don't even wan to care for u... tats wat u wan... now instead, wan us scold u... haha... now i scold u, also just doing a favour... don't even wanna care la... oh ya... we will console ben... don't need to tell us wat to do de lor... BITCH, SINCE U DOING ALL THIS HURTING STUFF TO HIM, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS... WE WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM...u dunno tat... when u saying "d onli thing u all shld do/can do, is juz consolin ur fren, n help him get outta dis misery he's hvin.. not makin d probs worse.." hahahahaha... ya... indeed, i feel tat u are really bullshitting... completely nonsense... u dunno tat we brothers... even i working afternoon shift, had supper with frens... heard news tat ben hurt himself or wat... i just went to his place after supper lor... console him... don't wan him hurt himself and all thoses... even the next day i was working morning and i just had a few hours slp tat day... so pls... we can/will help him.. no need u to tell us wat to do... and FUCKER... help him get outta dis misery he's hvin.. not makin d probs worse... U CB FUCKING GIRL... MAKING ALL THIS PROBLEM AND WAN US SOLVE IT... HELP HIM... THIS MISERY THING IS U WHO CREATED... DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IDIOTIC U ARE... WE AREN'T MAKING PROBLEM WORSE... IF WITHOUT SCOLDING U INFORNT OF HIM DOESN'T HELP... WAT U EXPECT US TO SAY... SAY U VERY GOOD ? WAIT FOR U ? DON'T BE SAD AND PROVE TAT HE WILL WAIT FOR U ? BITCH.. U ALSO DON'T WAN HIM LE MA... LEFT HIM... DUMP HIM... U JUST TOTALLY SUCKS... THEN WAT CAN WE SAY... SCOLDING U INFORNT OF HIM JUST WUN MAKE THE PROBLEM WORSE LOR... WE AREN'T SAYING U AND JARED ARE NOW DOING WAT... SAW BOTH OF U GOING WHERE... OR WAT.. .WE NT DOING TAT OK... SO PLS... FUCKING BITCH... DON'T ACT CLEVER INFRONT OF US... argh argh argh... u argh wat... idiot... scold u so much... u got a clear mind to take them in ma... stomach it !! we didn't treat u and jared as enemy just because u and him together ok... don't be childish... don't act your smart clever mind infront of us... mind not mature yet wan us to think over... u then go and face the wall and reflect on yourself la... jared is wat type of person... i know... we guys know... i hate him not because he is with u... if he with other girl instead... just simply the same logic... A SUCKER... he himself got gf le... take tat in mind leh... got gf still wan others... FUCKER LOR... tats why... and somemore... this happen on u !! BITCH... u did just the same thing as him... same logic... same FUCKING IDIOT THING WHICH HURT OTHERS SO MUCH... THIS IS WAT WE ALL HATE AND CALLED, BETRAYER... UNDERSTAND MA?? IDIOT... IF WE DUNNO EACH OTHER... I HEARD THIS STORY... I'LL ALSO HAVE THE SAME FEELING... WHY IS THE PERSON SO SUCKS.... BUT THIS HAPPEN TO MY BROTHER... THIS HAPPEN ON MY FRENSSS... OH MAN... HAPPEN ON U... SOMEONE I TRUST SO MUCH AND REALLY A GREAT FREN I HAVE MAKE... BUT IN THE END... NO WAY MAN.... GO THINK OVER LA... SUCKER BITCH... LOVE IS SO BLIND... BUT AT LEAST WAKE UP AND THINK WAT IS WRONG AND RIGHT... IDIOT... u may think u already wake up... tat why u choose jared and be with him... hahaha... i keep silence for this... next ...... ben take u for granted and u almost cried everynight... oh... icic... in the beginning, we can see that ben not treating u good... really... when u all just started only... sometime when ben just shout infront of u or wat... we all can see... and other things la... after tat, we all will group together and chat... and actually pity u coz your first bf is ben... and we all know ben is flirt flirt de type... maybe still got other things he treated u, unfairly and take u for granted but... tats wat a person u choose in the first place and agree to be with... couple together is like someone give more... someone take more de... very hard to be fair... maybe until after a few years la... how can say... not treating u good then break... U KNOW WAT... TAT IS DISRESPECT OF LOVE... SEEING THAT THERES A PERSON BETTER... U GO FOR IT... your mind isn't clear at all when the 3rd parties are there lor... really... have u think through... ben have/will change for the better... we all can see tat he is very serious with u and not toying u... I SWEAR HE CAN EVEN MARRIED U... but will jared ?? he this FUCKER... PLAYBOY... HE WILL MARRY YOU ?? HAHAHA... IMPOSSIBLE... to him... one is nv enough... but too bad lor... u fall in love with jared and think tat ben not good le..... ah ya... love is blind de la... i ask you now... u love jared right... are u... if yes... just stay on with him... and see wat u get in the end ok ?? hahaha... I no need to see also know the ending.... okok... next .... wah... lazy to write la... say wat this feeling fade off... tat feeling increase... i understand tat part... and tats wat happen to your heart lor... cannot say more ma... u feel this way then this way lor... u think tat u gotten an answer for yourself, in the end... then so be it lor... nvm if its late... tats something i wun blame u... even ben get hurt even worst but "the first break and patch" is extra right... tats something u done wrong and shouldn't do... coz you're dragging the problems... and making ben feel even worst... but nvm... over le... just hope u got understand it yourself... yaya... he change alot for you... maybe its too late... no feeling... give wat also no use... change wat also no use... i can understand... so right now... after i say all this stuff and scolding... i really have no intention to make u be with ben together... haha... but hope u and him are still frens... and we are still frens k... i say so much... u read.. u understand... tats enough... just let bygones be bygones... kk...

Oh Man... I wrote so much wor.... Sheng... read until very song right... hahaha... Go Make More Frens In Sch... Don't Make Me Say The Second Time Ar... I wun use mouth and say next time le... just show you my foot infront of your face... hahaha... scare right ?? lolz... nonsense... k la... My frensssss in poly de... study hard hard ok... haha...

When comes to relationship...
Theres two type of person...

A-One is someone who will choose and choose for the better... May be serious in every relationship but when a better one cames infront of them... they will compare... and if the 3rd parties is really better alot or so... they will just go for that...

B-The other one is someone who will only hope to stay and wun change their heart even if theres a better person for them... they are normally the one who get hurts by A before... tats why becoming in this group... and really wish to settle down...

Let's ask ourself this question...

Do you understand yourself well enough... wan others to understand u... first must understand yourself... so... which one you are... are u A or B... or have u changed ?? from B... after get hurts by A... change and become A... are u the normal of you ??

Relationship... is both of them together right... why... to spend time together all this right... but ended up don't wan married ?? wat for... if you have a partner beside... ask yourself... will i want to marry and be with this person next time... if don't even wan... then together, is actually make use of one another... just simply spend some lovely time together ma... This will make you even clearer... are you A or B ??

Rmb...
The biggest mistake we make in this world...
Is the mistake... that we nv realise we are wrong...
Find it hard to understand ? slowly slowly...

Thats all for today... Wrote too much... Next time teach u all more... heEx...

2007-04-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

Haiz... I really very sad tat you say... you don't have feeling for me at all... nv before... why... I really very shang xin... I really dunno wat to do... feel so lost... feel like crying again... Haiz... why now then i realise everything... its too late... realise tat i have fall for u so much... so much tat i can even fall my tears... Ytd, on my way back from sheng house, I cried le... I keep on thinking of you... I really hope tat you can be right beside me... or at least someone i can call and listen to me... but its 5 in the morning... haiz... i take my tears into the dream... Today after i knock off... I'm emotional again... On the way back in train, I cried again le... tears just form and fall off from my eye... I dunno why... Haiz...

Maybe I'm going army soon le and ppl always say tat, if got gf before army... most likely wouldn't last de... i don't have the similar eye on it... but at least i believe tat if the couple can get over the army period... they might last... ya... and always ppl say after army wun study le... but i know i need at least a diploma... tats why, no matter how... i need to study poly after my army... yea... i must do it...

To you~
When I'm not around... Learn to take care of yourself bah... many times i hope i can really concern you more... give u the care... give u the smile and happiness you wants... but i nv have the chance... if i have the chance again... if you allow... i know i will treat it seriously... and take care of you... but don't think too much le... you just left this aside... sch is starting soon le... this few days must adjust your bedtime and feelings... you need to concentrate on your studies... must study hard hard... become a successful nurse you want to be ok... and i also need to adjust my feelings... before going to army... so tat i'll have no worries left behind... maybe after this... maybe after the next few weeks, months, years... we can meet again... maybe we can't be together... but at least a fren tat will be there always... thats much better than nth at all bah...

I can't promise you tat i will still love you...till the day u accept me as a fren... but no matter wat... i'll wait for the day u can accept me as a fren of yours...

That day , sheng send pearlyn home tat day... I alighted at the same stop with them... while waiting for sheng to come back interchange, i went into the shopping centre... and somehow, i got into a shop... and saw alot of nice nice"Feng Ling"... I picked one of it and another phone chain... they are the same pattern and colour... its "Xiao Fei Yu"... with a smile on the face... i hope tat every time u can stay happy like the same as "xiao fei yu" and hope can give u the "Feng Ling" and i keep the phone chain... but... i know you wun wan to accept anything from me... haiz... so i just draw something and wrote something for you... now you know wats the girl(you) and the boy(me) holding on their hand bah...

Many things I done wrong...
And always when i realise it...
Its too late..... Its my fault.....
I cried... and cried and cried...
I wish to just leave this world...
But I still have someone I love so much...
I can't just left them behind...
Mummy,sisters... and you...

I love you...
I didn't hate you, and I nv will...
I'll always be there for you...

2007-04-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

So So So long nv come here blog le wor... abit busy plus this few days internet down leh... ah yo yo... so sian lor... no internet, my com is like half useless sia.. heEx...

Now at mac, using sheng de laptop, he doing compo ? hahaha.. lolz, so ting hua... let see... past few days happen wat leh...

working working... missed tat sentosa secondary sch classmate gathering then... today also lazy to go for my 2nd round gathering with my primary sch classmate... both is because i'm slping... opps... lolz... haiz, missed the fun....

hmmmmm..... after tat problem... me and her... still the same.... still nv talk much... even lesses than before... ya la.. tats for sure de.... so regret for wat i have done... regret everything tat i have told her before and in the end, i didn't do... haiz... seems like everything should end right after the problem finish but i dunno why, i still hold on to it... bear to let go of her... and began to realise her improtant... began to feel sorry... began to hope tat she can forgive me... and be with me... but... its..... impossible at all... why i still like this... haiz...

Reflashing back months ago... holding on to your hand... and chatting on the bus... I really hope tat the time can just stop for the sick of me... or maybe the bus trip... nv have an ending... haiz... tat time still keep on pushing you... doesn't think for you... doesn't give u time to solve your problem still keep on telling you tat i will wait... haiz... ended up with another one... haiz... why always when things happen le, then i realise my mistake... haiz... i really regret alot... but everything has become too late le... so late so late that wat i do now, will nv ever helps.... haiz... i didn''t manage to give u the happiness u wan... instead, the nightmares u running from... haiz... this is not wat i wanted... also not wat u wish for... but it happened.... haiz... Its My Fault...

Rmb i told u in the bus... i say it in chinese, " In the future, will we be like this ?? " you replied, "dunno" ... rmb the white hair old man and woman.... they were just sitting right infront of us... haiz... haiz...

Sorry to bring you all the unhappiness this few months...

I have alot to say..... but my mind are stopping me... my fingers are not listening anymore...

I can't continue on le...

2007-03-18T18:12:00.000-07:00

Improtant... Read ok...

I actually wan to just tag in my blog but i scare write too much la... so post better... give a better view for u all also... haha...

People... especially my brothers... we just cut this off ok... treat it tat nth has happen or maybe just a problem between me and js... coz wat i post and scold her... makes u all change the view in her... anti her... but tats nt wat i wanted... i'm just too angry and write everything out... i'm just feeling treated unfair also... actually js also treated unfairly by wat i did... and i got admit for wat i'm in wrong also ma... maybe u think i'm totally at fault... then let it be... heEx... i don't wan to defend myself anymore... i don't wan explain all this le... keep repeating myself... so lame... waste time... i must as well go and slp... Yawn...

I really nv think she got all the fault la... i repeated so many times tat i got wrong also... bing, actually see u tag in her blog... i so shock tat u scolded her... u not wrong... just tat wat i writen makes u side me... from then,i realise wat i said... wash you all de brain... i don't wan tat la... i don't wan who side who... but i'm just saying wat i think and wat i feel tat is true... the solution now is tat u all just treat nth has happen ok..... if cannot treat nth has happen... then like i say... make it a problem between me and js only... So pls... me and js are 4 years de classmate le... we have many frens between us... shes just a girl... i don't wan her to feel left out... be like normal to her !! she can afford to lost a stupid fren like me tat will nv trust her anymore... but she'll be worst without u all... i beg u all la... take tat this matter didn't happen before... and so... make it ends here ok... don't want say much le... u understand how tired i am also right... i need to think for my family de things... i want to end this problem so much... spare me... help me... stop everything le ok... heEx... Thank you...

Jie si...
I'm sorry for the scolding... I know I'm too much...
No need to forgive me... Just forget me...
Don't hate me... if nt life will be miserable...
Live happily ok...
To me, you're still fake...
I don't trust u lor...
I don't trust your words in blog...
But I'm not going to hate u...
In the same way... wat you think i am... I am lor...

No one can change a person view or thinking de ma...
Pls understand and don't blame me if i nv trust js ok... Sorry wor...

Bed time... ZZZzzz... Yawn...

2007-03-18T00:43:00.000-07:00

Today Sunday... off day !!

Just woke up not long ago... slp for abt 12 hours... so shiock... its been a long time since i can slp for tat long liao... some more... how long can i slp in this room... this house le... haha... don't wan think too much le... i wan stay happy at my work place first... coz, once i quit... i'll miss them lots... now got chance with them... tok to them more more more... got time, go find them or something... heEx...

The post i writen in red... I say everthing so clearly le... u all side who and who... i don't care... coz u all got the eyes to see and the heart to feel yourself ma...

Nameless... i writen the later part for u... slowly read...

first tag u say like i nv wait for jolene even when i say i will...
I say i give up... i fail her test le... i tired to wait coz i just like her only... tats not even love u know ? if u were me... like wat u say... u going to wait tat for years, even she got bf... don't rubbish la... don't lie la... u're not even saying out the truth... but i believe love will... so u understand love and like ??

second tag u say i using jie si, coz she care for me...
I choose her not to use her as a replacement to forget jolene coz they are totally two different person with different character... can't even replace lor... siao de...

third tag u say like i nv give her time to forget her ex... nv trust her...
i nv trust her coz this few years as fren...i heard wat she did in net... i tell her b4 ma... she also know... u don't understand still say i nv turst her... wat sms, msn, and black pig... i don't expect her to forget them in one day but i expect them not to exist u know... if actually i got thoses thing with me... u think jie si feel fair ? nv think for me before u say all this... if u were me u also not fair de lor... don't say until so easy... actually u dunno how i feel...

fourth tag u say i scold both of them...
since when i scold jolene... u wan to read again to make sure i didn't scold jolene at all... of coz i scold jie si... maybe too over la... shes just a girl...

fifth tag say they totally no wrong... i wrong... say i die die wan gf...
somemore say u wan punch me coz of wat i done... huh? u understand the whole story anot... u push all the fault to me? still dare to say u know me... u know me but don't understand me... if i die die wan gf i wun be single for so long... if i die die wan gf... u think jie si not meh ? she just break at 1st jan then around mid jan say she like me... u think she not die die wan bf ar... u think she so serious ar... u think she so serious then u are like how stupid i am, in the beginning...

sixth tag u say i deserve tat punch...
i deserve it because i scold jie si and u not happy huh... siao de... then who is the one tat is going to punch jie si coz she deserve tat too...

the other tag say u my fren... u wan me to wake up...
i know... i wrong... too much to scold jie si like tat... shes just a girl... sorry... so sorry... no need to forgive me... just forget me... oh ya... i write all this not to gain sympathy or make u all pity me... i just wan explain things clearly... so tat when we meet... u all wun ask me wat happen or anything... sometime i write i punch thing... u think i lame ar... wan u all to pity me this... nah... i just saying out my "fan nao"... like tat also cannot... lame...

Listen carefully... i nv wrong if i nv wait for jolene... i just feel guilty when she cried... i wrong when i say "tat" in the bus coz i'm being unfair to jie si... but afterall... i realise i wrong then i set my heart and ask jie si for patch... if i really using jie si or not serious with her... wat for i ask patch... i must as well just forget it... coz i think she is so serious with me in the first place but ended up... just break for 2 days... she can start toking to her ex le... wah... u can imaging anot... if she really likes me... she this few days should be there thinking carefully whether to give me any more chance ma... if nv give i also wun sad or angry coz its my fault first... but she tok to her ex and she say i no right to angry... ya la... i no right because i not the bf anymore... but i angry why suddenly i will trust her and set my heart to her... she say she love her ex alot more... then can u understand this part totally... she love her ex but together with me... she loving her ex and i'm beside her... isn't i'm the replacement or someone she using to forget her ex... i also don't realise this part until we break... don't u all understand this main point... especially nameless... u understand anot...

OKAY... i wrote tat to make the last explanation... should be damn clear enough right... who wrong who right not improtant to me anymore... coz everything has ended already... wat for still arguing right... wat for still unhappy... not worth it right... wat is improtant to us now is have fun and prepare for the sch we going for... get ready and chiong... go where also nvm... if u are a guy... be prepare for [chio bu]sssss... if u are a gal... be prepare for [yan dao]sssss... even different direction different ways... i take your words brothers..... we be brothers forever... hahaha... spare me... we don't say abt tat matters anymore... ok ? heEx... nb... now 5.25pm liao... spend the pass hrs write this... now hungry sia... wheres my breakfast... i mean lunch... or maybe dinner ? lolz... so late haven eat... eat all 3 meals together la... hahaha...

One day... I will buy this house back !!

2007-03-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Today at work place...
Totally no mood to work...

Start to think again...
Feel like punching again...
Start to punch the wagon...

Feels Better...
Hand turns red...
Went into the storeroom...

I couldn't stop thinking abt her and family...
I couldn't hold on my tears anymore...
I broke down... I cried...

我累了,
我哭了,
我错了,
我不想多说了...

灰色空间~

原来不是白就是黑　
只不过是天真的以为
要醉得清醒　要无辜的犯罪　
现实的世界只有灰

坚强得太久好疲惫　
想抱爱的人沉沉的睡
卷来的风暴　凶猛里有种美　
死了心　痛就没感觉

灰色空间　我是谁　
记不得幸福是什么滋味
无路可退　你是谁　
怎么为我流泪

梦见发着光的草原　
一身伤回到很久以前
我选择不恨　带着平静走远　
醒来后　夜还是长夜

灰色空间　我是谁　
记不得幸福是什么滋味
无路可退　你是谁　
怎么为我流泪　紧抱着我流泪

I close my eyes...
I'm so tired...
I couldn't rest...
A Longer path ahead for me...

Mum... I'll take care of you...
Sorry to all ~ ~ ~

Longest Post

2007-03-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

Now... its 14th March 2007... 11.02pm... I'm going to write a very long post... really going to be damn damn long until u may even stop reading it halfway bah... going to say out everything... things tat u may not update yet... things tat u nv know or hear before... i dunno why... i feel tat blog become a place for me to say out everything i wan... like a best fren that u can say things to... although it doesn't fully express or describe out my feelings... maybe i didn't write them in chinese, tats why... but my chinese not good... bo pian... anyway, its better than keeping all of them to myself... i feel really tried... always wanting to stay strong infront of others de me... can't even really show out all my feeling inside... Being so quiet some time... maybe i dunno well with the people surrounding me but i'm actually a person who likes to joke abt... saying all thoses rubbish and lame things to make people laugh... but some time... its because i have problems with me... and is like, i'll be thinking and thinking... and this action wun stop unless i express it out somewhere, somehow, like write in my blog... at least i feel better... coz i find no one i can tok to... who can i trust most ?? no one i can find in my list... this few brothers... i know soon... we'll be apart... coz distant start to form between me and u all... many things we didn't update each other... many things we even lazy to share them out... many things we didn't even to bother abt... the time we spend together are great and memorable... like cycling out for supper or to the beach or spend time slacking at car-park (watching my ex-gf de house... coz she don't wan patch with me and tat i miss her so much...so i pull u all to go there and accompany me, but u all dat time still so lazy to go... well, we actually went there for a couple of times la... rmb still got buy cup-noodle and eat from 7/11... some of them getting bored, fall aslp... but i nv slp at there b4... haha... so lame... mid-night... looking at her house... dark dark de... nth to see) , then also got slack at fren house and even the chalet moments... all was so fun... cake smashing... coke splashing... making the whole place in a mess... and last year and this year de chinese new year over night at my house... mahjong, cards, my house downstair de 24hrs ^roti-prata^... morning treating breakfast from the big winner... all so fun !! even at my house, my birthday celebration... just normal playing playstation and mahjong and eating pizza... so fun... and almost everyone de birthday, we gather out and celebrate... sharing the birthday moments all together between this few of us... sch time so fun... after sch went to eat together, slack at my house and using my old com(p3)... so slow... went for badmintoon, basketball, soccer... everything and everything we spend our time together... i nv forget... all this and tat... have u all forgotten ? now thinking back... miss thoses time alot right... i'm a guy... why m i saying all this miss miss thing... like so lame... but this are all my feeling... who actually understand ? maybe u read this miss miss thing... u are laughing infront of your com... thinking tat all this... so lame arh... haha... if so... maybe u should stop reading by now.... let me make some space beyond this part... so tat u got the time to stop reading it... haha...

Well... this should be enough bah... k lor... continue... hmmm... also dunno why i suddenly started off my blog abt my brothers... haha... erm... or is it tat i place fren in the first place ? nah... can't be... just putting the boring part infront... heEx... anyway... this few days happen alot of things... of coz... many of u... didn't know... or ask me, but i can't ans... so... everything and everything type in here, will ans the question in your brain... early part of the story... let me just cut it short ok... maybe this could solve out some misunderstand bah...
1, Like Jolene first...
2, Jie Si came in...
3, After considering, I rejected Jie Si...
4, I'm continue on for Jolene...
5, Feeling actually fade off for Jolene...
omg, this look so stupid... but to me, its the best way to cut it short... if dunno the story... maybe the past few posted may help when u read them through...

This part onwards... I'll say out everything... if any thing i write hurt u... I apologies first ok... Sorry...

Feeling really fade off for Jolene coz to me, you like didn't even seem to care much... you're like giving a cold sholder... so cold... like drawing a distant betweent us and i'm like the one who is trying to run back or getting close back with you... u know tat moment of feeling, i'm having mah... i very xin ku leh... i'm like a stupid fool... waiting for you... rmb u said this "i dun wish to give you any hope now. i'm afraid the decision i make in the future will hurt you. so... can we skip this discussion?" you rmb this line...? i understand this line and i get the meaning... so i didn't put too much hope in it... i also didn't wan to get hurt in the end... like wat u say, u don't wan to give me any hope... tats why actually i take back the feeling... feeling fade off... i didn't wait for u... because you didn't even ask me to wait for u... u only say tat u need time... and actually i from 25th Jan tat night i told u, i like u de... rmb ? u was like drinking too much tat night... i told u i have sometime to tell u... then i type... "我喜欢你", u ask wat type of xi huan... fren or beyond fren... u rmb ma... i say i dunno but in the end i couldn't hide... i say beyond fren... u ask... u sure ? we know each other like for less than a month leh... then u start to say tat u need the time to solve your problem... and so on until feb 23(your last day of work)... rmb i asked u again... can i send you back home today... within a second... i got back a negative ans... haiz... how much rejection u wan me to carry... how strong you think i can be... i tired le... i stopped le... i didn't wait le... thinking back, even the time i spend and wait... end up if we didn't together... you know how would i feel... haiz... so many things... any of them u know how i feel at tat very moment ? skip the part abt the Jie Si first, just say after u know tat i got gf... u blog.... i read... i feel guilty... i feel so bad... i feel at fault coz i didn't wait for u... u say i lied to u... u say i'm no different from the other guys who said wait but nv... but who in my position will wait after i write out all feelings... many times i wish to give up u know coz u always reject me... but i know sometime i got wrong... ask fren meet me then they ask who is the one i like... i pointed, then in the end found out u not happy with it... like animals in the zoo... so the other time when i got one fren come find me... i actually pull him to the other place to tok... nt even allow him to cross the line across the staircase... but this little thing... i do... i nv show it infront of u... u nv realise... nv know de... i do tat because i start to think for u, scare u get angry again... haiz... i like u only, i haven love u yet... how much effort u wan me to put in... how can u say u treated unfairly... u say until i'm fooling and playing fun with u... u think i'm playing games with u meh... i'm not tat kind of guys u see outside... but... only after i read your blog... then i realise wat u doing... u are trying to keep a distant from me so tat u can stay behind and observe me... but too bad... i failed your test... but tat doesn't mean i cheat you... tat doesn't tell u tat i'm just playing only... if so... why would i even reject a girl tat i once like from sec 1 to 5... why would i be so serious with u and don't wan her... why u nv think for me first... haiz... tat day when pearlyn treat ice-cream... tat day i off... went down of coz not for the few mouth of ice-cream... but to have a talk with u... u return me the necklace i brought for you during valentine's day... tats why tat day i hope to talk talk with u later, u can accept and keep the necklace with u... tat day... i started to speak...at first was ok i think... u sit back... gazing the surround... i can't even catch the look in your eyes... then u start to look down... i talk and talk... the first drop of your tear falls from your right eye... i rmb it so clearly... then started crying... my heart start to beat even faster... i feel even guilty... i feel so scare to see the girl i like cry infront of me... i know surely, i didn't explain things clear enough... coz my mind went blank when u started crying... say le so much... u only say to me... "我要走了" then... u hold your bag... and went off like this... lefting me behind at the place... i went blank again... dunno wat to do.... for like 3 min, i'm starring at the space... then i went out of the building.. searching for your shadow... look around at the bus-stop... like so rush.... people were like watching me... i don't care much... i couldn't find u... i went to the tangs bus-stop also... where u will tok bus from, after work... i couldn't find u... sky start to rain... bits and bits of droplets fall on my face... but its not a big rain tat i wish i could get myself wet and wake up from wat i did... then somehow... dunno i call sheng or he call me... got the news tat u went back to your counter and cried... i wasn't dare to go down... standing at the first floor staircase, scare tat things will turn out to be more worst if i went down... so i nv... then u came up... i hold u so many times... stopped so many times... even went up to bus and keep on toking... looking at your eyes... the tears keep on falling off... my heart break... i dunno wat have i done... i only know my feeling for u fade off tats why i nv wait... i tired le... tats why i nv wait... but i said this in the bus... "If you willing to give me a 2nd chance... i don't wan everything... even to give up my this gf..." I know i said tat... i'm being so unfair for my gf Jie Si... but even so... i nv seen a girl cry... until my heart will follow and cry inside... but i say and say... so much... until, in the end... u also just beg me to stop following u, u left again... same feeling like moments ago when u leave the ice-cream place... i'm blank... i can't get back your trust... once u left, i stand there dunno wat to do again... then find a sit... and sat down... mind was blank actually... stand and walk... dunno wat direction again... leave in a place... i dunno at all... everything was blank... walk back to the interchange... i asked, how can i get from here to tampines... the uncle working there was like... "HUH??" then appointed me to take dunno wat bus to tiong bahru mrt there to take train back to tampines... i did so... mind was blank all the way... all the way~ after tat... u blog and i read le... u say u understand... but doesn't wan to trust me anymore... don't even wan to give me a 2nd chance... i don't deserve it ? only my heart knows tat... i nv even thought of play play or fool you... why... because in my eyes... u become so special le lor... i like u... i have no reason... you are just simply real... Not Fake!!!

Jie Si... so... after i think i don't have feeling for Jolene... i think tat... Jie Si... likes me more... she'll care and show more concern... i though tat this of coz would be better as i just feel so tired after waiting for almost 1mth in Jolene and didn't improve in like talking or going out at all... so i choose Jie Si... to be Frankly... i told Jie si infront of her face tat i didn't like her so much like last time... i don't trust her so much like last time... so i know i really need time... plus i just tell myself tat, i got to forget Jolene since i choose Jie Si le... so i tok to her at msn and ask her for together... it was 23th feb !! the day when i ask Jolene the last time to send her home... she reject then i feel so disappointed and so for... tat night tok to jie si and is like together le... 24th, she say tat i should go for the girl i like... not taking her as a replacement... as i got reject her in the early feb coz tat time i like Jolene ma... tats why she know i got like a girl at tat time... but on 25th... i meet her out after work and tok to her..... i told her really... i will forget Jolene wun take her as a replacement... but don't trust her... don't like her so much... so on so on... then i consider tat 25th is the actual day tat i and her are together de lor.... then together together... things were okay... things like improving... but many many times... i would suddenly ask this repeated question... i ask " If somehow... got other guys or your ex or lucifer(the recent ex bf, 1 year+) come back for u... will u go with them ?" she always reply wun... got one time i ask her again in msn... she told me to "REST ASSURED"... i told her... i take your words ar.... hahaha... maybe this sound abit too much... but wat is this for... for the sense of security i need in her... i need to trust her... before i could even like her... to trust is to love, to love is to trust... don't u understand... but my mind was too simply... i tot nvm, i try forget Jolene... even though i trust Jolene more than Jie si.... but i choose Jie Si... ^the day before tat ice-cream tat day^... wat actually happen at night was i keep on calling Jie Si right after i knock off... she didn't ans... makes my mind go wild for a sudden... start to worry abit... but in the end... even when i was wanting to turn in, i type the last msg... saying tat why u nv ans my call... is there anything happen ? or is it tat u are slping or wat... if so, call me straight away when u wake up lor... i typed something like this... but before i send, i recieve a msg... so i left this as draft... i read the sms, from her, she say why just now nv reply her sms... that time i dunno wat she's toking abt but actually is i forgot to reply her coz was busy with work thing then tot i reply her le... but i straight away call her since she sms me ma... but she don't wan to pick up... so i reply... huh ? why u dont' wan ans my phone or something... then she reply i don't wan to tok on phone now... just now u call me so many things until i wake up... then once i read this sms, i was like... kao... coz i keep calling u, then u now say u don't wan ans my phone... wat rubbish... wake up le don't wan ans... stupid right... then i reply, i now very angry... if you dont wan tok on phone then i go slp le... actually in my heart... all i wan is to make her feel abit worry then will tok to me ma... so i went to bath first... finish bath, i see no missed call... just a sms from her, "okay... then u go slp lor... byesh"... i was like... wat the hell... nv care abt me... then i think nvm la... tml then see how... then tml is the ice-cream tat day lor... but then... we didn't tok for 3 days... not tat i don't wan to make the first move... but actually the 1 day nv tok is the day i went to go find Jolene ma... tats why after tat... i very xin fan... and tired to make the first move to tok to Jie Si first ma... then on the 4th day... i work morning de... knock off at 6, fren ask me go play basketball cos he just break... he(ben) is my brother ma... so even i tat time xin very fan le... after work very tired le... no mood at all le... i also say ok lor... join them... then heard tat they say they ask Jie si to come... then like tat lor... wat can i do... then play bb after tat went to near-by coffee shop... they eat... all got drink except ben... he lose the mood... i and jie si drink only... then i ask her, can we move to the other place, outside coffee shop lor... thoses path-way with sits along the side... we sat there and i told her everything... told her how actually we start, i don't trust her, but i trust Jolene more... just tat i feel she likes me more and all thoses stuff i just now writen de lor... even tell her wat i said to Jolene in the bus... in the end... she say, u shld go back to her... win her back... i listen le... i think... maybe break should be the way... then we ended... blah blah blah... i hold her hand one last time... then off... break le... then after tat, went to eat supper with sheng and wee... at tat time... i suddenly feel tat when i see jie si leave and took the bus off... i feel tat i can't let go... i told wee... and wee told me tat actually i shldn't break with her de... i should give her and me more time so tat i can find the trust... i know, tat time i was thinking... i trust Jolene... dunno why... just trust her alot... but i don't trust Jie si at all... like tat say all thoses thing in the bus to jolene... plus saying break with her... i treat jie si too bad le... maybe we should try again... so the next day i explain to Jie si... i think carefully le... i don't mind the trust tat is not exist between me and you... coz i understand it takes time to build it up... so after a few sms... i tot i got more hope in getting her back le... thinking tat she is serious with me in the first place... i cannot like tat treat her... then after tat... the other day also sms... but tat night.. .she send a sms... jeff... don't misunderstood me... don't put too much hope in me... sorry... when i read finish, i straight away call her..... i ask her why... why doesnt wan to patch... i know clearly tat i treated her unfairly first but i'm sorry... then she ask me to think for a few days... i say i no need... but she say she need 1 day to think of it... tell me the ans tml... the next day after work... i meet her... at small mac, then we walk across a road to a flat and sat down at the staircase and chat...

i ask her... u really don't wan to be together le ma ? she say don't wan... i say why leh... i told her i need time to trust her ma... then she took out a piece of paper... and a pen... writing it down carefully... she wrote... "Lucifer contact me" at first... i look... oh... i was thinking... contact you... oh.... nvm wat... even he contact u, u also wun care... but no !! she say he tok to her this few days... like couple ... nicely... wat concern her abt the result... before handing up the phone still say good night, i love you... blah blah... i listen le... i was so hot !!... well... she ask... wat i told jolene de... is it real... wat if she accept you and give u the 2nd chance... i kept quiet... i say... is it tat i do the wrong things as in wat i told Jolene all this de in bus treated u unfairly... and break with u... then now u do all this... i told her i realise my mistake and i know i should trust u de... but ended up like this... she can't answer me also... then i so angry... i ask then in the very first place... i keep asking and asking will u go with other guy or your ex if they come back to you... u keep telling me not to worry... wat Rest Assure... FUCK LA !!! then she say wat... other guys i wun... then i say... but lucifer you will la... she can't answer again... i ask her, the lucifer say i love you one time ... even i say 1000time of i love u also can't win over him right... she say wat... this one cannot compare de ma... wat she and him 1 year plus le... then i ask... u now like him more than me right... she answer me the same thing... omg... can u imaging how i feel tat moment...so sux !! she lied... she told me in the first place she likes me only... she say wat... wat i do like tat also same la... i don't have jolene then find her... wat nonsense... just tat inside alot of misunderstanding ma... !! then i ask her why now u willing to answer his call all this... she say last time she angry of him ma... THAT TELLS YOU WAT... when she angry of him... she come and find me... then now she forgive him... she go with him... Oie Girl... YOU KNOW HOW SUCKS YOU ARE !! omg... it was like i tot i would really be serious with her this time and things turn out like this...YOU ARE TOYING ME LOR... How Can She Do Tat... can u imaging all thoses time, when i and her together, is just tat she make me become the replacement... CCB la... YOU KNOW WAT... JIE SI... YOU GOT ME... I FALLEN INTO YOUR TRAP... HAPPY THAT I ENDED UP LIKE THIS... SO NICE RIGHT... FUCKING IDIOT ASSHOLE SLUT FAKER BITCH...

Sorry...got so worked up suddenly... when i and her were talking... she can even answer me like she has nth wrong like tat... say in a way like i did wrong first... tats why she didn't have any wrong... wah kao... then i say until i can't continue le... so i say... nth more to say le la... go home lor... she like... ok lor... then nvm... we walk back to interchange... but before tat got to cross the road first ma... i walk walk walk... began to walk even faster... i left her behind... i walk so fast... i feel very angry lor... i wan to run lor... but i just walk very fast only lor... then the sushi i brought after work de... in my hand, i almost throw it on the floor .... but i nv !! the angrier i become... the faster i walk... i already forget abt her behind... i so FUCKING ANGRY LA... can u imaging tat when i and her together, lucifer de sms in the phone, she dont wan to delete... i say a few times then she delete... msn ... i saw it in my own eyes... under my darling... its lucifer... wat the fuck... she say wat dunno... forgot to change... nonsense la... right infront of u... right at the top when u online with the msn window... u can't see tat meh... she didn't change until i found out... still hugging the black pig tat the lucifer give her de... still can tell me tat lucifer say the black pig represent him... thats why he give her tat... then u still can hug it every night... omg... this three thing... i found out de... i already feel so unfair le... wat if theres more thing i don't know leh... more things she hide leh... how to trust her u tell me... of coz harder to trust her when i found out all this thing ma... still can say tat u prefer to take publice transport with me than taking his car... don't bull shit la... all Nosense... all liesssss... then now get back to him... wah kao... WAT CAN I SAY... YOU SUCH A FAKER TAT I CAN'T CONTRONT AND BELIEVE YOU... THIS GAME... YOU WON... all this flash and appear in my mind as i was walking so fast to my queue... when i was waiting for the bus... anger filled up my whole body... so angry tat i believe i could even knock down a guy bigger size than me de... i almost scream out when i was queueing... but i nv... instead... i couldn't control but to hit the metal bar .... punch and punch... people around were starring at me... but who cares la... then i call back sheng coz when i was toking to jie si... i told him i call him back later ma... then i meet sheng for supper... haiz... at bus... i try not to rush... i nv do anything... i just can't wait to alight at my stop coz i have so much anger to express... then i alight... saw sheng.... but flats were surrounding us... i know i couldn't shout... so i just went straight to the light pole and punch and punch again.............. PUNCH LA... then i just fucking kick the pole... then after tat i feel so pain at my toe... i know comfirm bleeds de... but nvm... in the end leh... sheng down there say... why wan to hurt yourself... so stupid... i told him ya la... i also know stupid but i so angry... how to express them out... only punch ma... then reach coffee shop... sheng told me wat happen... wat he did in the afternoon then he sad sad.... then i also can't do much to console him... coz i very angry at that moment ma... me myself already so fan le... order le food... eat very fast.... eat finish then eat sushi... lucky nv throw the sushi... then like energy all went to my stomach and digest le... so like... don't feel like punch or wat... after tat, went back home lor... sheng came and use com for awhile lor...

See him talking to Jolene at msn... asking her to go watch movie... haiz... he's so lucky enough than me le.... he got this few girls who cares abt him so much... scare he cry all tat... worry abt him... he got the anuties to care abt him... everyone know tat its the girl on fault... everyone side him... an wei him... everyone find him cute, funny... actually he lucky than me alot alot alot le... i from nov until now... every cents i eat and transpot and buy... i use my own money... or i borrow from others first... my parents nv give me any money... maybe got... but they themself also not really enough use... haha... sheng~ still always infront of me say u poor... u dunno tat u better than me so much... your mum got give u 300 extra... haiz... i don't have leh... the girls all go to your side... you feel better at least... heal faster right... they care abt you so much... then me leh... who can i find a person to tok abt all this... only sheng i trust but he's not a good listener at all... how to tell him... auntie all like got distant between me le... all think i flirt de...say like jolene in the end got other gf... then make jolene at the counter cry until so worst... wah... really... suddenly people around me will only see me as negative... wat can i do.... i know exactly how Jolene feels lor... its like... both of us so scare to look back at our past... coz inside our heart... theres a scar... a cut on it... it look so obverse... our past make us so afraid to trust ppl and when we try to trust this person... in the end... it turns negative... she thinks tat i lied to her... but if u say u wan me to wait... i will surely wait de ma... but .... ah ya... nvm... then i tot i could trust jie si... end up like tat... retribution i think... karma... i treat jolene like this... jie si treat me like this... its like... cutting back the old scar... same place... but even deeper then before... so painful... i can't even trust a girl anymore... i dunno this time i will need how long to heal back... the feeling so same... make us can't trust anymore person... Jolene... If you still think really... is my fault... then i also can't do anything... i don't even dare to seek for your forgiveness... i know if u think i'm wrong... no matter how i explain... nothing is going to be right...

She Even can Msg me this... "jeff.. i know i hab disappoint u, but its wif no choice too. sorri..." Can u understand how i feel... she making me like a real fool where she can play and left me like tat... You Really SO BAD... SO BAD TAT I NV EVER FORGIVE YOU... SO BAD TAT I'LL RMB THIS FOR LIFE... SO BAD TAT U ARE ACTUALLY THE ONE WHO HURTS ME AGAIN... U JUST SIMPLY A FAKER LA... IF EVER I BELIEVE U AGAIN... JUST CHOP MY HEAD OFF... I SWEAR...

This Story Ends like this...
Something I done it wrongly...I choose wrongly... I see wrongly... even explain also no use... because everyone has change their eyes on me le...

Let u all know something bah... always see my family like so harmony... so good looking from outside... but actually leh... my father is such a loser... he likes to gamble alot... soccer, sat & sun horse racing... i always hear from my mummy she said even when i was not born, when my da jie and er jie were very young... he already like tat... always own ppl alot of money... mummy help him so many time... work and work just to pay back the money he own ppl de... then from last time also have girls outside... even when my er jie was not born yet... all this carry and carry on for years and years.... even up till now... when i already grown up and know abt the things around me... he still like this... He Nv Change... last year... got a period... he got caught by the police... he was jailed... for like a few months or so... no children of his went to see him... only my mum... he told mum tat he will change when he is out because he realise tat he really did wrong and even his children are not willing to visit him... so after he is out... he was ok at first... back to home straight after work but soon... not even half a year... back to normal again... gamble... at night got girls call her... got ppl call his phone to tok abt money coz i will easily heard the conversation saying tat he not don't wan to pay the money but just tat he don't have the money or so... all this and this... i from young happen until even now... mummy this 30+ year was all the way sufferring with him lor... he nv treat mum good at all... treat her good this moment... next moment steal her gold to 堂... he's not so bad until will steal old grandma things or money la... but he is just below tat rank..... haiz.... today... mummy is going to divorce with him... no matter how we explain because this house... is going to sell soon...haiz... from the day i born... i start living here le... how would i bear to leave this place... i love this place so so so much... so much... i don't wish to leave..... i don't have a happy family from young... but luckily my da jie and er jie are very understanding... i know... me, mum, dajie and erjie... just us... we can live happily de... i can't see mum cry anymore for this man le... he treat her so bad... so always when i do things... what my dad does... i wun do... wat he good at... i don't wan to learn... don't wan to be the same as him... a useless asshole... i nv wanted to be a flirt.. but no one trust... i only wan to love a girl... forever... i don't mind... as long as we both love each other... i don't wan my family to end up like this ...............

Haiz... no one knows how i feeling now...

Feeling so hurt by Jie Si... hands so pain now... touch also pain... toe nails crack and bleeds...

Feeling so guilty for wat i Did to Jolene...

Feeling so upsad tat everyone have a place in poly and i'm like still dunno have a place anot... wat will my future will be like...

Feeling so jealous to see ppl having a good daddy tat knows how to take care of the family so well...

Its 8.55am now !! i spend the whole night writing but in between, i got went bathing and supper from like 11.20am-1am, this timing i wasn't writing... the rest of the timing i guess i'm writing and thinking... i'm so tired now... i wan to lay down awhile... and i need to prepare to go for work... working morning shift today... haiz...

Haiz.....

Wo Hao Xiang Qian Ze Ni De Shou...
Shuo shen... Dui Bu Qi... Wo Cuo Le...
Ru Guo Neng Rang Wo Zai Zhong Xin Lai Guo...
Wo Yi Ding Bu Hui Zhou... Yong Yuan Zhi Deng Ni Yi Ren...

This song... lyrics decribe out how i feel...

2007-03-03T07:19:00.000-08:00

Hmmm... its like, not in the right mood to blog now but somehow, its been sometime since i last update so... got to do something now... and maybe explain something bah...
Doesn't really know how to explain them well here but... its like... people all knew tat i like Jo.... but suddenly turn out to be Ji.... as my gf... erm... know Jo.... since i went in tangs and start working from like 1st of Jan... began to like her... and in the middle of Jan, Ji.... did sms me.... some sort of giving me hints... but i actually don't wan things to be mess up... so i rejected Ji in abt Feb like tat... and then carry on back to Jo.... however, things wasn't going well between me and Jo.... "waiting" knocked me down... so the feeling began to fade off... i couldn't control it... just bits by bits... i lost the feeling for her.... i couldn't hold on to it... so actually... inside my heart, i gave up... then... i turn back and look for Ji... told her everything, how things going and how i feel... she was once a girl that i like alot alot before... from actually sec 1,2,3,4,5... got on and off... but didn't success to win her heart at all... too bad... Actually at the point of time when i like Jo.... i really like her only... my heart will only only only contain a girl at a time... tats why i even reject Ji.... didn't wan to be a flirt or something....

I'm together with Jie Si le...
Past few days, everyone was keep on asking and asking... and i couldn't find a ans... dunno wat and how could i explain all this everything... everyone was shocked, was blur... dunno wat happen... somehow now, i could tell them tat i... like her.... and she's my gf.... my heart only contain her now... tats for sure... maybe doesn't like her alot as similar in the past, maybe doesn't trust her alot... but everything... i'll try to build it up... and hope tat we could last...

I dunno wat to carry on... but like alot haven say wor... nvm la... see got time then update le... eyes are getting tired, wan to close le... going out le... byesh... good nite, sleep tite...........

2007-02-10T09:58:00.000-08:00

Haiz... All of a sudden... All the problems come... All in a time... makes me so fan... So DEPRESSING... I failed my english... I gotten a E8... At least a D7... I'll be still ok... but... Why must it be like this !! SHOUT SCREAM LA !!!

From young... Nth i have done to let my family members feel proud... to let them at least feel reliable on... Haiz... from young... see the sch, tp infront of my house... i tot tat one day i could manage to get in there... but now result came out to be like this... confident seems to fade off so quicky... from young... chinese is so terrible... i place no hope in it... i know i didn't put in effort to rebuild my chinese language... haiz... i wasted my pass few years... gotten a c6 for tat... enough for me to be contented... english all the way lousy lousy... but i don't even expecting a E8 lor... how can it be ended up like this... The rest of the subjects are still ok... haiz... Why my language so awful... people at least have a language supporting behide... i have nth... why from young i have nth best with others... i don't have a best sport... i don't have good result... i don't have talent... i don't have a happy family... i don't even have the heart of the girl i like.......... why everything seems to be bad... why everything bad fallen on me... I may not be the worst... But neither i'm the best... I feel like i'm have nth in success... I have nth best with me... I'm borned in this way... but i don't wan... i don't wan things to be like this... i don't wan my future to be the same like this... people treat me good and friendly... i know them, i rmb them... people treat me bad... i only hope i can accept them... coz i don't wan my life to be fill empty... Haiz...

I'm like living in a well...
I couldn't see the world outside...
If i forever stay in there...
Live everyday like this...
I only can wait for my dead arrive...

I hope for the light...
At least to see the sky above me...
And when there seems to be a little ray shining in...
It didn't last for me...

I try to climb out... but difficulties caught me...
I'll fall back to my place...
Fall back to my original...
I bite On My Lips...
I Know I Be Successful One Day...

No matters wat...

People... if ever i treat u bad... i don't seek forgiveness but at least don't hate me ok... live your life happily... if ever i can't live till the day i success... then too bad... i also don't wan so fast die... fail o lvl not the end of the world la... just feel very disappointed only ma...

I find my way out of the well... one Day...

2007-02-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

Mood Messed up...
Say nth...

Tml o lvl coming out... how ? die ?
Fail, no poly... no psp... go army...
Pass, go poly... got psp... hold on for army...

The Longer I wait... The More I fall for you...
Have you come to realise tat i'm so afraid tat we ended apart...
How would I feel...

Wat i writen here again...
I'm wrong again...
I'm not writing for sympathy
I'm not wrting to make u feel bad...
I'm just finding a way to express my feeling...
Don't say le... Say more Wrong more...

2007-02-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

Helo... I give a quick blog ok... Better than nth... Erm... I hope i can began to know more abt her... and... really understand how she feel everytime... I wun rush her... I'll wait for her... Anyway... This 2 days... family happen thoses thing again... I really hate tat... Haiz... I wun show it out when u all around... I think I wun say it out la... Every Family has a Story behide... I keep it to myself k... heEx... Began to miss my brothers... miss my friends... working this few days... nv see them... like no life... no fun... hahaha... but i hope we really keep in contact ok... heEx...

New phrase... Brothers Bloods Burning!!!
Sound so nice... u all lousy... dunno de... hahaha...
Good nite babies... HeEx...

2007-01-31T09:05:00.000-08:00

I thought I would try again... and love again... I thought i could just simple know you... and have you be my gf... not just this moment or something... really... my ex... all i tot can last long... so we started... but ended... not wat i wanted... but also not wat i could control...

Maybe i skip the fren relationship with u... tats why u feel so sudden... maybe i thought tat there isn't a need to be fren first... maybe i'm wrong... maybe tats why my ex left me coz we don't understand each other enough... maybe i feel so lonely... maybe i wanted a gf for long... maybe i wanted u too much... maybe i thought u are just as simply as i thought... maybe i thought i could love u... and maybe we could really last... maybe... maybe... maybe... but its all maybe..... maybe u not interested in me at all... maybe from the first place, its all my one sided love... maybe i'm not the guy u wan for... maybe wat i do isn't wat u wan... maybe sending u home, eating lunch together isn't wat u wan... maybe u don't wan to reject me directly... maybe u hope i can slowly give up... i'm really disappointed... when tat day i asked u for dinner together when u say don't wan... asked again if u wan accompany me to eat... but u reply... go eat yourself lor... maybe u think thats nth... maybe u didn't know... just tat line... u hurt me... maybe i take it too seriously... maybe i nv met ppl saying to me this directly before... maybe i hope we can be far beyond frens... but maybe... we are far beyond from being frens... maybe u wan me to give up on you... maybe u getting wat u wan... haiz...

Or should i say... its 1.50am now and tml i'm working Morning... Maybe i should go and slp now... and hope tat tml wake up... maybe my "like" for u will gone... maybe... it does... but surely... it begans to fade off...

Once again...

Jeffrey Can't Find A Girl That He Really Love And Perhaps, Love Him In Return...

ReBorn !!

2007-01-27T00:37:00.000-08:00

Hey Hey... First Post For 2007 !! hahaha... Just happen to change a new blogskin... look better ? I know la... always Nicholas Tse... you all sure bored of him de... but I'm not lor !! heEx.. so right now... currently working at Ck Tangs lor... Orchard there... with sheng... as promoter lor... abit boring... but its ok la... coz... hahahaha... dunno why leh... our first day training was 1st Jan and when our Senior bring us from the shop at Heeren to Ck tangs... an outlet... then reach there see see around coz we will most likely station there... then i notice her... just a very special feeling towards her... then working for this 20+ days... get to know her name... abit here and there lor... ya... and i know i like her alot... sometime when our eyes came across each other... my heart beats fast... sometime when exchanging words... i could lost my words all of a sudden... sometime i'm so contented just because she is standing right beside me only... but... i'm afraid to love again... i'm so afraid this relationship might end up any day... i started the first step... i told her i like her.... but... i... m i too rush... or i shouldn't tell her at all... and as time pass... i believe i can forget abt her de... i can live alone de... should i move back... pretending nth had happen... or should i continue on my step... and really love her wholeheartedly like wat i did to my ex but... i'm stuck... ytd heard sheng say she wear de necklace got ring... she most likely patch with her ex le.. coz she normally nv wear tat de ma... wah... my heart break lor... somemore the day before i got msg her... she nv reply me... maybe its the truth... maybe its not... i dunno... nv tok much ytd... heard tat liao... i no mood to tok... plus got sore throat... whole day sian... after work... she head for exit so fast... facing her back at me... i don't even have the chance to see her look again... she leave like doesn't even know i'm behide... haiz... but nvm la... take cab alone... haha... stupid de me... from monday start thinking tat i could take cab with her till her house then i change cab or wat... all dream... all nonsence... reach home le online... after tat i bath then wan slp but hungry... went down buy food eat then saw last time de sch mate... also work at kfc before... haha... he so tall... idiot !! then went back home watch nicholas tse cd again... dunno watch millions times le lor... not sian at all but i watch cd1 then going to change cd2, i lazy le... and went to slp... before i close my eyes... i tot i could reply her something back... but dunno wat to say... dunno wat to do... i didn't reply... and slp le...

Waiting for o'lvl result... haiz yo... coming out so soon... fail maybe retake or wat... pass... then hope can get into poly with the course i'm interested... meet my brothersss... on wat reunion dinner... hahaha... miss you all sia... i scare after result... we will meet less and less... and less contact... ah yoyo... without u all... less fren.... fren comes and goes... hope u all just stay... hahaha... heEx... like so much i hope to say... but doesn't know how to express them in words... nvm la... end here can le la... long long post leh... hahaha... after reading... go rest your eyes ar... ! hahaha... rmb to tag lor !!!