Now... its 14th March 2007... 11.02pm... I'm going to write a very long post... really going to be damn damn long until u may even stop reading it halfway bah... going to say out everything... things tat u may not update yet... things tat u nv know or hear before... i dunno why... i feel tat blog become a place for me to say out everything i wan... like a best fren that u can say things to... although it doesn't fully express or describe out my feelings... maybe i didn't write them in chinese, tats why... but my chinese not good... bo pian... anyway, its better than keeping all of them to myself... i feel really tried... always wanting to stay strong infront of others de me... can't even really show out all my feeling inside... Being so quiet some time... maybe i dunno well with the people surrounding me but i'm actually a person who likes to joke abt... saying all thoses rubbish and lame things to make people laugh... but some time... its because i have problems with me... and is like, i'll be thinking and thinking... and this action wun stop unless i express it out somewhere, somehow, like write in my blog... at least i feel better... coz i find no one i can tok to... who can i trust most ?? no one i can find in my list... this few brothers... i know soon... we'll be apart... coz distant start to form between me and u all... many things we didn't update each other... many things we even lazy to share them out... many things we didn't even to bother abt... the time we spend together are great and memorable... like cycling out for supper or to the beach or spend time slacking at car-park (watching my ex-gf de house... coz she don't wan patch with me and tat i miss her so much...so i pull u all to go there and accompany me, but u all dat time still so lazy to go... well, we actually went there for a couple of times la... rmb still got buy cup-noodle and eat from 7/11... some of them getting bored, fall aslp... but i nv slp at there b4... haha... so lame... mid-night... looking at her house... dark dark de... nth to see) , then also got slack at fren house and even the chalet moments... all was so fun... cake smashing... coke splashing... making the whole place in a mess... and last year and this year de chinese new year over night at my house... mahjong, cards, my house downstair de 24hrs ^roti-prata^... morning treating breakfast from the big winner... all so fun !! even at my house, my birthday celebration... just normal playing playstation and mahjong and eating pizza... so fun... and almost everyone de birthday, we gather out and celebrate... sharing the birthday moments all together between this few of us... sch time so fun... after sch went to eat together, slack at my house and using my old com(p3)... so slow... went for badmintoon, basketball, soccer... everything and everything we spend our time together... i nv forget... all this and tat... have u all forgotten ? now thinking back... miss thoses time alot right... i'm a guy... why m i saying all this miss miss thing... like so lame... but this are all my feeling... who actually understand ? maybe u read this miss miss thing... u are laughing infront of your com... thinking tat all this... so lame arh... haha... if so... maybe u should stop reading by now.... let me make some space beyond this part... so tat u got the time to stop reading it... haha...
Well... this should be enough bah... k lor... continue... hmmm... also dunno why i suddenly started off my blog abt my brothers... haha... erm... or is it tat i place fren in the first place ? nah... can't be... just putting the boring part infront... heEx... anyway... this few days happen alot of things... of coz... many of u... didn't know... or ask me, but i can't ans... so... everything and everything type in here, will ans the question in your brain... early part of the story... let me just cut it short ok... maybe this could solve out some misunderstand bah...
1, Like Jolene first...
2, Jie Si came in...
3, After considering, I rejected Jie Si...
4, I'm continue on for Jolene...
5, Feeling actually fade off for Jolene...
omg, this look so stupid... but to me, its the best way to cut it short... if dunno the story... maybe the past few posted may help when u read them through...
This part onwards... I'll say out everything... if any thing i write hurt u... I apologies first ok... Sorry...
Feeling really fade off for Jolene coz to me, you like didn't even seem to care much... you're like giving a cold sholder... so cold... like drawing a distant betweent us and i'm like the one who is trying to run back or getting close back with you... u know tat moment of feeling, i'm having mah... i very xin ku leh... i'm like a stupid fool... waiting for you... rmb u said this "i dun wish to give you any hope now. i'm afraid the decision i make in the future will hurt you. so... can we skip this discussion?" you rmb this line...? i understand this line and i get the meaning... so i didn't put too much hope in it... i also didn't wan to get hurt in the end... like wat u say, u don't wan to give me any hope... tats why actually i take back the feeling... feeling fade off... i didn't wait for u... because you didn't even ask me to wait for u... u only say tat u need time... and actually i from 25th Jan tat night i told u, i like u de... rmb ? u was like drinking too much tat night... i told u i have sometime to tell u... then i type... "我喜欢你", u ask wat type of xi huan... fren or beyond fren... u rmb ma... i say i dunno but in the end i couldn't hide... i say beyond fren... u ask... u sure ? we know each other like for less than a month leh... then u start to say tat u need the time to solve your problem... and so on until feb 23(your last day of work)... rmb i asked u again... can i send you back home today... within a second... i got back a negative ans... haiz... how much rejection u wan me to carry... how strong you think i can be... i tired le... i stopped le... i didn't wait le... thinking back, even the time i spend and wait... end up if we didn't together... you know how would i feel... haiz... so many things... any of them u know how i feel at tat very moment ? skip the part abt the Jie Si first, just say after u know tat i got gf... u blog.... i read... i feel guilty... i feel so bad... i feel at fault coz i didn't wait for u... u say i lied to u... u say i'm no different from the other guys who said wait but nv... but who in my position will wait after i write out all feelings... many times i wish to give up u know coz u always reject me... but i know sometime i got wrong... ask fren meet me then they ask who is the one i like... i pointed, then in the end found out u not happy with it... like animals in the zoo... so the other time when i got one fren come find me... i actually pull him to the other place to tok... nt even allow him to cross the line across the staircase... but this little thing... i do... i nv show it infront of u... u nv realise... nv know de... i do tat because i start to think for u, scare u get angry again... haiz... i like u only, i haven love u yet... how much effort u wan me to put in... how can u say u treated unfairly... u say until i'm fooling and playing fun with u... u think i'm playing games with u meh... i'm not tat kind of guys u see outside... but... only after i read your blog... then i realise wat u doing... u are trying to keep a distant from me so tat u can stay behind and observe me... but too bad... i failed your test... but tat doesn't mean i cheat you... tat doesn't tell u tat i'm just playing only... if so... why would i even reject a girl tat i once like from sec 1 to 5... why would i be so serious with u and don't wan her... why u nv think for me first... haiz... tat day when pearlyn treat ice-cream... tat day i off... went down of coz not for the few mouth of ice-cream... but to have a talk with u... u return me the necklace i brought for you during valentine's day... tats why tat day i hope to talk talk with u later, u can accept and keep the necklace with u... tat day... i started to speak...at first was ok i think... u sit back... gazing the surround... i can't even catch the look in your eyes... then u start to look down... i talk and talk... the first drop of your tear falls from your right eye... i rmb it so clearly... then started crying... my heart start to beat even faster... i feel even guilty... i feel so scare to see the girl i like cry infront of me... i know surely, i didn't explain things clear enough... coz my mind went blank when u started crying... say le so much... u only say to me... "我要走了" then... u hold your bag... and went off like this... lefting me behind at the place... i went blank again... dunno wat to do.... for like 3 min, i'm starring at the space... then i went out of the building.. searching for your shadow... look around at the bus-stop... like so rush.... people were like watching me... i don't care much... i couldn't find u... i went to the tangs bus-stop also... where u will tok bus from, after work... i couldn't find u... sky start to rain... bits and bits of droplets fall on my face... but its not a big rain tat i wish i could get myself wet and wake up from wat i did... then somehow... dunno i call sheng or he call me... got the news tat u went back to your counter and cried... i wasn't dare to go down... standing at the first floor staircase, scare tat things will turn out to be more worst if i went down... so i nv... then u came up... i hold u so many times... stopped so many times... even went up to bus and keep on toking... looking at your eyes... the tears keep on falling off... my heart break... i dunno wat have i done... i only know my feeling for u fade off tats why i nv wait... i tired le... tats why i nv wait... but i said this in the bus... "If you willing to give me a 2nd chance... i don't wan everything... even to give up my this gf..." I know i said tat... i'm being so unfair for my gf Jie Si... but even so... i nv seen a girl cry... until my heart will follow and cry inside... but i say and say... so much... until, in the end... u also just beg me to stop following u, u left again... same feeling like moments ago when u leave the ice-cream place... i'm blank... i can't get back your trust... once u left, i stand there dunno wat to do again... then find a sit... and sat down... mind was blank actually... stand and walk... dunno wat direction again... leave in a place... i dunno at all... everything was blank... walk back to the interchange... i asked, how can i get from here to tampines... the uncle working there was like... "HUH??" then appointed me to take dunno wat bus to tiong bahru mrt there to take train back to tampines... i did so... mind was blank all the way... all the way~ after tat... u blog and i read le... u say u understand... but doesn't wan to trust me anymore... don't even wan to give me a 2nd chance... i don't deserve it ? only my heart knows tat... i nv even thought of play play or fool you... why... because in my eyes... u become so special le lor... i like u... i have no reason... you are just simply real... Not Fake!!!
Jie Si... so... after i think i don't have feeling for Jolene... i think tat... Jie Si... likes me more... she'll care and show more concern... i though tat this of coz would be better as i just feel so tired after waiting for almost 1mth in Jolene and didn't improve in like talking or going out at all... so i choose Jie Si... to be Frankly... i told Jie si infront of her face tat i didn't like her so much like last time... i don't trust her so much like last time... so i know i really need time... plus i just tell myself tat, i got to forget Jolene since i choose Jie Si le... so i tok to her at msn and ask her for together... it was 23th feb !! the day when i ask Jolene the last time to send her home... she reject then i feel so disappointed and so for... tat night tok to jie si and is like together le... 24th, she say tat i should go for the girl i like... not taking her as a replacement... as i got reject her in the early feb coz tat time i like Jolene ma... tats why she know i got like a girl at tat time... but on 25th... i meet her out after work and tok to her..... i told her really... i will forget Jolene wun take her as a replacement... but don't trust her... don't like her so much... so on so on... then i consider tat 25th is the actual day tat i and her are together de lor.... then together together... things were okay... things like improving... but many many times... i would suddenly ask this repeated question... i ask " If somehow... got other guys or your ex or lucifer(the recent ex bf, 1 year+) come back for u... will u go with them ?" she always reply wun... got one time i ask her again in msn... she told me to "REST ASSURED"... i told her... i take your words ar.... hahaha... maybe this sound abit too much... but wat is this for... for the sense of security i need in her... i need to trust her... before i could even like her... to trust is to love, to love is to trust... don't u understand... but my mind was too simply... i tot nvm, i try forget Jolene... even though i trust Jolene more than Jie si.... but i choose Jie Si... ^the day before tat ice-cream tat day^... wat actually happen at night was i keep on calling Jie Si right after i knock off... she didn't ans... makes my mind go wild for a sudden... start to worry abit... but in the end... even when i was wanting to turn in, i type the last msg... saying tat why u nv ans my call... is there anything happen ? or is it tat u are slping or wat... if so, call me straight away when u wake up lor... i typed something like this... but before i send, i recieve a msg... so i left this as draft... i read the sms, from her, she say why just now nv reply her sms... that time i dunno wat she's toking abt but actually is i forgot to reply her coz was busy with work thing then tot i reply her le... but i straight away call her since she sms me ma... but she don't wan to pick up... so i reply... huh ? why u dont' wan ans my phone or something... then she reply i don't wan to tok on phone now... just now u call me so many things until i wake up... then once i read this sms, i was like... kao... coz i keep calling u, then u now say u don't wan ans my phone... wat rubbish... wake up le don't wan ans... stupid right... then i reply, i now very angry... if you dont wan tok on phone then i go slp le... actually in my heart... all i wan is to make her feel abit worry then will tok to me ma... so i went to bath first... finish bath, i see no missed call... just a sms from her, "okay... then u go slp lor... byesh"... i was like... wat the hell... nv care abt me... then i think nvm la... tml then see how... then tml is the ice-cream tat day lor... but then... we didn't tok for 3 days... not tat i don't wan to make the first move... but actually the 1 day nv tok is the day i went to go find Jolene ma... tats why after tat... i very xin fan... and tired to make the first move to tok to Jie Si first ma... then on the 4th day... i work morning de... knock off at 6, fren ask me go play basketball cos he just break... he(ben) is my brother ma... so even i tat time xin very fan le... after work very tired le... no mood at all le... i also say ok lor... join them... then heard tat they say they ask Jie si to come... then like tat lor... wat can i do... then play bb after tat went to near-by coffee shop... they eat... all got drink except ben... he lose the mood... i and jie si drink only... then i ask her, can we move to the other place, outside coffee shop lor... thoses path-way with sits along the side... we sat there and i told her everything... told her how actually we start, i don't trust her, but i trust Jolene more... just tat i feel she likes me more and all thoses stuff i just now writen de lor... even tell her wat i said to Jolene in the bus... in the end... she say, u shld go back to her... win her back... i listen le... i think... maybe break should be the way... then we ended... blah blah blah... i hold her hand one last time... then off... break le... then after tat, went to eat supper with sheng and wee... at tat time... i suddenly feel tat when i see jie si leave and took the bus off... i feel tat i can't let go... i told wee... and wee told me tat actually i shldn't break with her de... i should give her and me more time so tat i can find the trust... i know, tat time i was thinking... i trust Jolene... dunno why... just trust her alot... but i don't trust Jie si at all... like tat say all thoses thing in the bus to jolene... plus saying break with her... i treat jie si too bad le... maybe we should try again... so the next day i explain to Jie si... i think carefully le... i don't mind the trust tat is not exist between me and you... coz i understand it takes time to build it up... so after a few sms... i tot i got more hope in getting her back le... thinking tat she is serious with me in the first place... i cannot like tat treat her... then after tat... the other day also sms... but tat night.. .she send a sms... jeff... don't misunderstood me... don't put too much hope in me... sorry... when i read finish, i straight away call her..... i ask her why... why doesnt wan to patch... i know clearly tat i treated her unfairly first but i'm sorry... then she ask me to think for a few days... i say i no need... but she say she need 1 day to think of it... tell me the ans tml... the next day after work... i meet her... at small mac, then we walk across a road to a flat and sat down at the staircase and chat...
i ask her... u really don't wan to be together le ma ? she say don't wan... i say why leh... i told her i need time to trust her ma... then she took out a piece of paper... and a pen... writing it down carefully... she wrote... "Lucifer contact me" at first... i look... oh... i was thinking... contact you... oh.... nvm wat... even he contact u, u also wun care... but no !! she say he tok to her this few days... like couple ... nicely... wat concern her abt the result... before handing up the phone still say good night, i love you... blah blah... i listen le... i was so hot !!... well... she ask... wat i told jolene de... is it real... wat if she accept you and give u the 2nd chance... i kept quiet... i say... is it tat i do the wrong things as in wat i told Jolene all this de in bus treated u unfairly... and break with u... then now u do all this... i told her i realise my mistake and i know i should trust u de... but ended up like this... she can't answer me also... then i so angry... i ask then in the very first place... i keep asking and asking will u go with other guy or your ex if they come back to you... u keep telling me not to worry... wat Rest Assure... FUCK LA !!! then she say wat... other guys i wun... then i say... but lucifer you will la... she can't answer again... i ask her, the lucifer say i love you one time ... even i say 1000time of i love u also can't win over him right... she say wat... this one cannot compare de ma... wat she and him 1 year plus le... then i ask... u now like him more than me right... she answer me the same thing... omg... can u imaging how i feel tat moment...so sux !! she lied... she told me in the first place she likes me only... she say wat... wat i do like tat also same la... i don't have jolene then find her... wat nonsense... just tat inside alot of misunderstanding ma... !! then i ask her why now u willing to answer his call all this... she say last time she angry of him ma... THAT TELLS YOU WAT... when she angry of him... she come and find me... then now she forgive him... she go with him... Oie Girl... YOU KNOW HOW SUCKS YOU ARE !! omg... it was like i tot i would really be serious with her this time and things turn out like this...YOU ARE TOYING ME LOR... How Can She Do Tat... can u imaging all thoses time, when i and her together, is just tat she make me become the replacement... CCB la... YOU KNOW WAT... JIE SI... YOU GOT ME... I FALLEN INTO YOUR TRAP... HAPPY THAT I ENDED UP LIKE THIS... SO NICE RIGHT... FUCKING IDIOT ASSHOLE SLUT FAKER BITCH...
Sorry...got so worked up suddenly... when i and her were talking... she can even answer me like she has nth wrong like tat... say in a way like i did wrong first... tats why she didn't have any wrong... wah kao... then i say until i can't continue le... so i say... nth more to say le la... go home lor... she like... ok lor... then nvm... we walk back to interchange... but before tat got to cross the road first ma... i walk walk walk... began to walk even faster... i left her behind... i walk so fast... i feel very angry lor... i wan to run lor... but i just walk very fast only lor... then the sushi i brought after work de... in my hand, i almost throw it on the floor .... but i nv !! the angrier i become... the faster i walk... i already forget abt her behind... i so FUCKING ANGRY LA... can u imaging tat when i and her together, lucifer de sms in the phone, she dont wan to delete... i say a few times then she delete... msn ... i saw it in my own eyes... under my darling... its lucifer... wat the fuck... she say wat dunno... forgot to change... nonsense la... right infront of u... right at the top when u online with the msn window... u can't see tat meh... she didn't change until i found out... still hugging the black pig tat the lucifer give her de... still can tell me tat lucifer say the black pig represent him... thats why he give her tat... then u still can hug it every night... omg... this three thing... i found out de... i already feel so unfair le... wat if theres more thing i don't know leh... more things she hide leh... how to trust her u tell me... of coz harder to trust her when i found out all this thing ma... still can say tat u prefer to take publice transport with me than taking his car... don't bull shit la... all Nosense... all liesssss... then now get back to him... wah kao... WAT CAN I SAY... YOU SUCH A FAKER TAT I CAN'T CONTRONT AND BELIEVE YOU... THIS GAME... YOU WON... all this flash and appear in my mind as i was walking so fast to my queue... when i was waiting for the bus... anger filled up my whole body... so angry tat i believe i could even knock down a guy bigger size than me de... i almost scream out when i was queueing... but i nv... instead... i couldn't control but to hit the metal bar .... punch and punch... people around were starring at me... but who cares la... then i call back sheng coz when i was toking to jie si... i told him i call him back later ma... then i meet sheng for supper... haiz... at bus... i try not to rush... i nv do anything... i just can't wait to alight at my stop coz i have so much anger to express... then i alight... saw sheng.... but flats were surrounding us... i know i couldn't shout... so i just went straight to the light pole and punch and punch again.............. PUNCH LA... then i just fucking kick the pole... then after tat i feel so pain at my toe... i know comfirm bleeds de... but nvm... in the end leh... sheng down there say... why wan to hurt yourself... so stupid... i told him ya la... i also know stupid but i so angry... how to express them out... only punch ma... then reach coffee shop... sheng told me wat happen... wat he did in the afternoon then he sad sad.... then i also can't do much to console him... coz i very angry at that moment ma... me myself already so fan le... order le food... eat very fast.... eat finish then eat sushi... lucky nv throw the sushi... then like energy all went to my stomach and digest le... so like... don't feel like punch or wat... after tat, went back home lor... sheng came and use com for awhile lor...
See him talking to Jolene at msn... asking her to go watch movie... haiz... he's so lucky enough than me le.... he got this few girls who cares abt him so much... scare he cry all tat... worry abt him... he got the anuties to care abt him... everyone know tat its the girl on fault... everyone side him... an wei him... everyone find him cute, funny... actually he lucky than me alot alot alot le... i from nov until now... every cents i eat and transpot and buy... i use my own money... or i borrow from others first... my parents nv give me any money... maybe got... but they themself also not really enough use... haha... sheng~ still always infront of me say u poor... u dunno tat u better than me so much... your mum got give u 300 extra... haiz... i don't have leh... the girls all go to your side... you feel better at least... heal faster right... they care abt you so much... then me leh... who can i find a person to tok abt all this... only sheng i trust but he's not a good listener at all... how to tell him... auntie all like got distant between me le... all think i flirt de...say like jolene in the end got other gf... then make jolene at the counter cry until so worst... wah... really... suddenly people around me will only see me as negative... wat can i do.... i know exactly how Jolene feels lor... its like... both of us so scare to look back at our past... coz inside our heart... theres a scar... a cut on it... it look so obverse... our past make us so afraid to trust ppl and when we try to trust this person... in the end... it turns negative... she thinks tat i lied to her... but if u say u wan me to wait... i will surely wait de ma... but .... ah ya... nvm... then i tot i could trust jie si... end up like tat... retribution i think... karma... i treat jolene like this... jie si treat me like this... its like... cutting back the old scar... same place... but even deeper then before... so painful... i can't even trust a girl anymore... i dunno this time i will need how long to heal back... the feeling so same... make us can't trust anymore person... Jolene... If you still think really... is my fault... then i also can't do anything... i don't even dare to seek for your forgiveness... i know if u think i'm wrong... no matter how i explain... nothing is going to be right...
She Even can Msg me this... "jeff.. i know i hab disappoint u, but its wif no choice too. sorri..." Can u understand how i feel... she making me like a real fool where she can play and left me like tat... You Really SO BAD... SO BAD TAT I NV EVER FORGIVE YOU... SO BAD TAT I'LL RMB THIS FOR LIFE... SO BAD TAT U ARE ACTUALLY THE ONE WHO HURTS ME AGAIN... U JUST SIMPLY A FAKER LA... IF EVER I BELIEVE U AGAIN... JUST CHOP MY HEAD OFF... I SWEAR...
This Story Ends like this...
Something I done it wrongly...I choose wrongly... I see wrongly... even explain also no use... because everyone has change their eyes on me le...
Let u all know something bah... always see my family like so harmony... so good looking from outside... but actually leh... my father is such a loser... he likes to gamble alot... soccer, sat & sun horse racing... i always hear from my mummy she said even when i was not born, when my da jie and er jie were very young... he already like tat... always own ppl alot of money... mummy help him so many time... work and work just to pay back the money he own ppl de... then from last time also have girls outside... even when my er jie was not born yet... all this carry and carry on for years and years.... even up till now... when i already grown up and know abt the things around me... he still like this... He Nv Change... last year... got a period... he got caught by the police... he was jailed... for like a few months or so... no children of his went to see him... only my mum... he told mum tat he will change when he is out because he realise tat he really did wrong and even his children are not willing to visit him... so after he is out... he was ok at first... back to home straight after work but soon... not even half a year... back to normal again... gamble... at night got girls call her... got ppl call his phone to tok abt money coz i will easily heard the conversation saying tat he not don't wan to pay the money but just tat he don't have the money or so... all this and this... i from young happen until even now... mummy this 30+ year was all the way sufferring with him lor... he nv treat mum good at all... treat her good this moment... next moment steal her gold to 堂... he's not so bad until will steal old grandma things or money la... but he is just below tat rank..... haiz.... today... mummy is going to divorce with him... no matter how we explain because this house... is going to sell soon...haiz... from the day i born... i start living here le... how would i bear to leave this place... i love this place so so so much... so much... i don't wish to leave..... i don't have a happy family from young... but luckily my da jie and er jie are very understanding... i know... me, mum, dajie and erjie... just us... we can live happily de... i can't see mum cry anymore for this man le... he treat her so bad... so always when i do things... what my dad does... i wun do... wat he good at... i don't wan to learn... don't wan to be the same as him... a useless asshole... i nv wanted to be a flirt.. but no one trust... i only wan to love a girl... forever... i don't mind... as long as we both love each other... i don't wan my family to end up like this ...............
Haiz... no one knows how i feeling now...
Feeling so hurt by Jie Si... hands so pain now... touch also pain... toe nails crack and bleeds...
Feeling so guilty for wat i Did to Jolene...
Feeling so upsad tat everyone have a place in poly and i'm like still dunno have a place anot... wat will my future will be like...
Feeling so jealous to see ppl having a good daddy tat knows how to take care of the family so well...
Its 8.55am now !! i spend the whole night writing but in between, i got went bathing and supper from like 11.20am-1am, this timing i wasn't writing... the rest of the timing i guess i'm writing and thinking... i'm so tired now... i wan to lay down awhile... and i need to prepare to go for work... working morning shift today... haiz...
Haiz.....
Wo Hao Xiang Qian Ze Ni De Shou...
Shuo shen... Dui Bu Qi... Wo Cuo Le...
Ru Guo Neng Rang Wo Zai Zhong Xin Lai Guo...
Wo Yi Ding Bu Hui Zhou... Yong Yuan Zhi Deng Ni Yi Ren...
This song... lyrics decribe out how i feel...
